Little Miss Bitchy

November Updates - Part 1

2011-12-06T22:30:00.016+08:00

I said I will be back with more updates, so here's plenty of pics consisting of basically stuff that happened last month. Not surprising that most of it involves FOOD haha!

Fave pasta @ 313 Somerset! Can't remember the name of the place, but I call it the 'eating pasta with chopsticks' place cuz that's exactly what u do.

I know the first picture looks better but the pasta which I had (the bottom pic) was really good too~scallops with Japanese chives! Yum! Above : From 'The Asian Kitchen' @ Ion Orchard. Great food at pretty affordable prices. X and I subsequently went there a 2nd time to try their roast duck which was really good. It's so popular that it was so sold out the first time we went.

In Zurich with X. We had pasta and pizza at a place near our hotel. Things over there are like super expensive, even more so than any other part of Europe or London. Atrocious picture of me taken by X. But not his fault la, I blame the lighting.
Our wood-fired pizza. Quite nice in terms of taste and so was my pasta. Didn't take a photo of it cuz it looked rather plain. But if I remember correctly the meal cost us like S$70 which is VERY expensive for pizza and pasta.

We had Korean food the next day, which was also near our hotel. FYI: the weather was very cold so I didn't feel like going anywhere too far.

The menu was entirely in German, which fortunately X could understand. Another pretty expensive meal but no pictures of the food this time. Just me camwhoring:
I hate winter weather cuz I can't stand cold well and the only thing I usually feel like doing is curling up n going to sleep like a bear. So I was very glad to have X there with me this time... makes me feel less crappy=) I'm usually a lone ranger when I'm overseas, and the only company I ever wish for is his. It's not so much that my world only revolves around X, it's just that I prefer solitude over forced companionship. By that I mean going out with people you'd rather not go out with, or going out w others just for the sake of not having to go out alone. But that really doesn't make me a stuck-up person ok.

I think I shall stop here. Do stay tuned for Part 2~

Eat Drink, Me & X

2011-10-20T16:03:00.028+08:00

This post came even later than planned because I literally got sick halfway whilst blogging a few days ago. Food poisoning - due to eating leftover noodles for lunch that my mom said she 'da-paoed' 2 days ago. Turns out the noodles had already been left in the fridge for 4 days...ugh. I vomited 4 times in about 2 hours and the doctor had to give me a jab to stop the vomiting. I was lucky to recover fast enough to go to work the next day so from now on I'm definitely more cautious about eating leftovers-_-".

That aside, I actually had a pretty great month thus far, busy meeting up with Dusk, Jellybean and Tuesday for movie & drinks (sorta celebrating my bday)...meeting up with Liping and spending loads of time with the bf! Speaking of which pictures from our short Taipei getaway are finally up:

Pasta @ Ximending, which was just so-so.

Our fave 'guo tie'! These are really yummy and cheap.

Tried the 'Din Tai Fung' in Taipei...pretty much almost the same as what we get here in Singapore.

Hopping on the bullet train to Taichung, where we went to the famous 'Feng Jia night market'

This is a 'must-eat'! This shop near our hotel sells really fantastic pork chop rice, chicken drumstick rice etc. Cost less than S$4 only!

It might appear that X and I both love to eat because every time I look through our pictures, it always involves food. But X is the foodie here, not me...I'm still more of the 'eat to live' type. This was Ramenplay @ 313 Somerset:

The okra (that's ladyfingers for the uninitiated) was really good! They didn't look like much when it arrived on our table at first and coupled with the fact that I hate my greens, I wasn't tempted to try it but one bite changed my mind like, totally. I think the cheese they were smothered in made all the difference in the world haha!
We also ordered the 'DIY chawanmushi' where you crack the egg in and watch it cook yourself. It took like 10-15 minutes for it to be ready and as you can see, it's actually a very normal chawanmushi. Not worth paying $6plus for it.

I had my usual 'Sanpou' ramen and X had the pork katsu curry with rice. I wouldn't say that Ramenplay has the best ramen but it is still pretty satisfying when I have a craving for ramen=)

Next up is Thai food! We settled for Thai Express when we were at Marina Square. Service was a little shoddy probably because of the weekend crowd. Whilst my Thai iced tea came immediately, X was still waiting for his drink 15 minutes later. Then when we prompted the staff to check, they came back with another iced tea when X had ordered a watermelon cooler(or something like that). And halfway through our meal, they gave us an extra dish which we already had on our table so we had it sent back. Despite the little mishaps I wasn't really annoyed because I know they were busy. So anyway back to the food:

The stuffed chicken wings were quite yummy.

We shared the Tom Yum Hotpot which I enjoyed. X finds it a tad messy to eat though, because he's doing all the work I guess! I just watch him dump the food in, then tell him what I want to eat when it's ready and he scoops it out for me! Sweet huh? Thanks love.

We had Nando's on Saturday, my first taste of it in Singapore. I've tried it in London and Johannesburg, so to be honest Nando's here isn't great. My chicken was really salty. I only took one quick shot of it.

Yeah I'm greedy so I had 2 of the quarter chickens. I was slightly irritated by the staff though. She kept interrupting me when I was placing my order just to tell me that if I don't take their set I'll have to pay extra for my drink like twice. Seriously?! Do I like I can't afford to pay for a coke? I really felt like telling her that 'I can read'. DUH. After that we had some tau hua for dessert:

It says 'homemade traditional tau hua'. I ordered the one with pearls which unfortunately were tasteless and rubbery. It was a bit of a letdown since their tau hua was really silky smooth. Note to shop owner: your pearls needs improvement!

And I conclude with our dinner @ Ramen King on Sunday! I'm a sucker for ramen so I was really looking forward to trying this place which had garnered alot of rave reviews. It's a really small joint that sells ramen and only ramen, and you can choose between the normal, black spicy or red spicy (for the soup) as well as the toppings and texture of your noodles. I think basic is best so I went for the normal tonkotsu whilst X had the black spicy. Here's a pic of his:

No picture for mine because I didn't want the black fungus and spring onion, therefore my noodles looked really plain and didn't do it justice cuz the taste was great! The egg was cooked perfectly and the broth was really flavorful, it might be a tad salty for some but that can also be adjusted to individual preferences. My only small complaint was that the noodles were not enough. Although they were generous with the meat, I would definitely like more of the noodles please! We ended the night with coffee at Toms&Toms nearby so a little camwhoring while waiting for our drinks...
I'm beginning to think I need to lose some weight with all the eating that we do, I think it starting to show in some of the pictures haha-_-" Gonna come back with more updates as soon as I can I promise!

Trapped in a place without X=/

2011-10-06T23:37:00.005+08:00

It's only been a few days away from X and I'm already feeling highly cranky & irritable. I'm thinking it's largely due to PMS and the fact that I'm stuck in a boring place with REALLY sucky food. I've had pasta that looks like it came out from an episode of 'Kitchen Nightmares' on my first day and my diet since then has pretty much consisted of mainly cup noodles. Not healthy eating so much processed food I know, but it can't be much worse than the crap they serve seriously.

I give myself a small pat on the back though cuz I haven't been acting all emo with X given the way I've been feeling. I know sometimes I'm not the nicest of people to be around when I get into one of my moods, but right now I just can't wait to fly home to X and spend my birthday with my one and only=) He's got something planned somewhere and I'm not sure what it is - but I have a feeling I'll be happy no matter what as long as I get to spend some quality time with the bf.

Pictures from our vacation in Taipei and other updates coming up soon I promise!

Short Update!

2011-08-23T02:13:00.003+08:00

Just a quick update before I go to bed.

Went to town on my own to pick up some stuff that I sent for alteration today, and even though I usually enjoy being alone...today I didn't. I kept wishing that X was around cuz somehow I miss him even though I'd just spent Saturday with him. I miss holding his hand, I miss the smell of his neck and I miss our 'coffee and chit-chat' routine.

We rushed to catch 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' at Kallang Leisure Park on Saturday and thankfully the movie just started when we entered the theater. One thing X and I both hate - missing the start of a movie and luckily we didn't. The movie was great, it was unexpectedly sad for me and I cried quite a bit during the movie but you just have to watch it yourself to understand. The movie theme also dealt with ethics of animal testing and also its potential for disaster when humans try to play God. I'd never watched any of the old 'Planet of the Apes' movies but I was glad I caught this one.

X is gonna drop by tomorrow before I leave for work and I'm really looking forward to seeing him, even if it's just for a few hours. Time to get some beauty sleep before he comes over tomorrow morning! Goodnite=)

Love and Life!

2011-08-16T02:35:00.008+08:00

I know I've really been neglecting my blog and try as I might, sometimes I'm just either too tired or lazy or busy to do it. My apologies!

Managed to catch up with Liping several times, including today and couple of times last month and I must say that with my irregular schedule, it's amazing that we keep this friendship going. I'm so glad that I have her! Also met up with Alex about 2 weeks ago, and he treated me to this fabulous lunch at a really great place called 'Stellar' which was somewhere @ Raffles Place. Can't remember the exact location...but it was on the 62nd floor, so there was this awesome view of MBS if you get a table by the window (which we did) and the food was none the less amazing too!

Pictures to prove it:
The appetizer was delicious, melt in your mouth foie gras. I know it's cruel the way they produce foie gras...but I really couldn't resist it.
My dessert! Too pretty to eat right? But I did anyway. heh. The Tahitian ice-cream was SOoooOOo good. *yums*

If you notice I didn't include a picture of my main course cuz I ate it before I remembered to take a picture haha!

Time was tight with X again...what's new? But we made the most of what we had, catching all the movies we wanted to watch and just enjoying each other's company=)X really hates taking pictures and the few photos that I have of him were either taken secretly, or he's usually taken by surprise when I go 'SNAP!'. I know I won't make very good paparazzi cuz I always giggle very loudly after taking his pictures and then X will demand to see the photos, after which he makes me delete them=/ This I got to keep though=)

Our coffees @ Oriole cafe! I told X the coffee was too pretty to drink, so he promptly took the spoon and destroyed the design on the foam. I highly recommend the affogato from this place, which comes with really yummy honeycomb chocolate bits.

One of the things I love about my relationship with X is that we still sit down and linger over a cup of coffee all the time, chatting about random stuff just like a pair of old friends and this I believe is something that keeps the relationship alive - because we talk. Although sometimes we argue, we still talk. And that's way better than not bothering to argue or talk right? We've done this coffee and chit-chat routine almost every time we meet for 4 years now and I still love it. Even when we're not talking and he's playing on his iphone and I'm reading a magazine over coffee, I would plant occasional kisses on his cheek or I would reach over and squeeze his hand. Moments like this, I will never forget=)

Think that's enough of my mushy BS...til the next time!

All is forgiven

2011-07-12T00:54:00.002+08:00

Gonna be free on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday since X will be away (as usual), and I won't be seeing him all the way til one week later. I used to HATE it whenever this happens to the point where I'll even get kinda 'emo' but throughout the years I guess I've gotten more or less used to it.

It's not so much as being independent because I am definitely not a 'clingy' type female who needs to be with the bf 24/7. God forbid, but there are times when seeing X on an average of 4 times a month doesn't feel like enough. I've told other people who are kinda perturbed that I actually don't make demands for more time together, but the truth is I knew what I was in for when I wanted to be with X so who am I to begrudge him right? I know he makes up for it in his way by showering me with gifts, though what I really want is just for him to be more sensitive towards my emotional well-being. But him being him, logic comes first and he tends to suffer the 'foot-in-mouth' syndrome and unwittingly hurts my feelings.

Anyway what I'm really trying to say is that I've forgiven him for the last boo-boo in my previous entry. I can't really stay mad at him for long and I know it's the same for him so try as I might, we can't stay away from each other. We just spent 5 days of leave together and 2 days of it was on a staycation at our very own Sentosa Island! We did nothing special but I didn't mind it one bit because I enjoyed every moment just lazing around with him, or holding his hand strolling down the beach. To me, that's utter bliss.

I guess I just have to remember this blissful feeling whenever I feel down that X ain't by my side and for the zillionth time, I will try to remain positive...til I get to see X again!

Heartfelt, no holds barred.

2011-06-28T00:18:00.007+08:00

Had such a terrible day.

I'd come home from work really upset and I'd thought that telling X about it would provide me some relief. WRONG move. Talking to X only exacerbated the situation.

I know that X wants a confident woman who can take on the world and everything else that comes along in stride. Someone who probably wouldn't call him sobbing over the phone bitching incoherently about someone who had bullied her at work.

Maybe to him, that's the sort of weakness that he despises. It's probably deemed as an inconvenience he doesn't like dealing with. So perhaps his response was justified. He simply asked me 'Is that all?' after I had spent 5 mins crying to him. And at that moment I knew. I knew he'd never care the way he promised he would when we weren't together yet. So I hung up on him and cried some more. In fact I think I cried the entire day. I cried myself to sleep, and a few hours later I woke up feeling this emptiness in me. With all this crying I ended up with a headache, swollen eyes and just a really spaced-out feeling. And for what? When he probably spent the past 12 hours without thinking of me at all.

X is a good man. He really is. He stuck by me through a really dark period of time, even when I was at my worst. He's also really generous, always buying my gifts and paying the tab. He can be sweet, and he's smart, attractive and on his way to success in life. Like my friends said, 'he's one of the best guys I've ever met.' So I guess this means that I'm just not good enough for him.

I know that X will do very well without me in his life because I don't make a difference. So do I hang on because I love him so much or do I go because I should be smart enough to know when I'm not needed?

"Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love.
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come.
I have to go, I have to go, I have to go & leave you alone.
But always know, always know, always know...
that I love you so.
I love you so."

I heart Avril Lavigne!

2011-06-10T01:45:00.003+08:00

I must say that Avril's latest album is really great and I'm sorry to have missed her recent concert here, cuz there are so many great songs which I would have loved to hear her perform! Oh well, there will be a next time I guess.
Meanwhile enjoy this song, it's called 'Not Enough'.

My travel journal

2011-05-29T02:14:00.027+08:00

Didn't feel very good today because I felt reaaalllly tired so I was extremely temperamental towards X when I met him. The truth is, I know I wouldn't be seeing him for quite awhile again and the pang of separation had hit me even before it had actually happened=(

Yet seeing all these pictures from our holiday together in March kinda lifted my spirits because whilst the holiday hadn't really been all that smooth-sailing, I still cherish our moments together...which seems to be getting rarer and rarer. *sighs*

I only wish for more time with X, because as someone pointed out to me, meeting each other on an average of 4 times a month isn't very healthy for our relationship. I agree. In fact, it's DETRIMENTAL. But instead of bitching about it all the time, I've decided to be a little more proactive in doing something about it.

Here are the pictures that made me smile, and also reminded me of how much I love X and how lucky we are to have each other=)

My camera-shy Mr. X=)

A taste of home in Hong Kong. Can you spot my X here?

Gigantic portions @ Cheesecake Factory in San Francisco!

Gorging myself....=p

And I just found another song I love. It's for you, X.

You're the sweet dreams that soothe me
when I can't fall asleep.
You're the field
in the middle of the city.
When I'm rushing by
at the speed of light.

You're the strong resolution
when I find no peace.
You're the church bells ringing
in the evening.
When all is quiet,
You whisper comfort
lifts my heart.
I get so weak.

Ohhh.... You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe."

I love you.

2011-05-13T01:10:00.000+08:00

Dedicating this song to X =)

It's from Avril's latest album and this song is 'I love you'. Yeah kinda cheesy I know, but I like the lyrics...

"I'm not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we've been through
And that's why I love you."

The Happiness Project

2011-04-04T01:27:00.007+08:00

My apologies for the very 'emo' entry last night, in part due to an argument with X.

Long story, just for me and him to know and figure things out ourselves. I just went out with Liping and we had so much to talk about since we haven't seen each other in a long time because our work schedules didn't allow us to meet often. We talked alot about relationships in general (even though she's not in one right now) and I came to realise midway through our conversation that honestly, nobody is perfect for somebody. We're all creatures of different habits and it takes work for a relationship to be 'sustainable' in that sense. There's give and take, and how much to give or take is subjective because it's different for every couple. There's no such thing as fair or unfair because you can't measure effort or feelings or whatever other variables there are in a relationship. The equation is just way too complicated but the rule is simple : Just make it work.

X and I would be a good example. We're similar because we're both argumentative, opinionated and stubborn. We're different because I'm not a morning person, but he likes to start the day early. I like shopping, he likes to sightsee. Yet we're also similar because we both have a passion for film and we also like lazing in bed together. What I'm trying to say is - everybody can be similar yet different in many ways so to find a perfect partner is almost impossible. You're lucky if you do find 'The One' but realistically speaking, 99% of us are struggling in relationships with different problems.

I'm gonna take a bold step and declare that my happiness project starts now. I've wasted far too much energy focusing on the negative and not enough on what I'm actually lucky to have - a great supportive family, a boyfriend who adores me, a job with great perks and basically a roof over my head and food on the table every day. I'm going to try and find happiness in what I have instead of making myself miserable with my self-doubt and angst.

It's such a shame

2011-04-03T00:35:00.004+08:00

I blame the fairy tales we've been fed since young for making us females believe in love. I blame the Hollywood sterotype rom-coms for making us think that there could be The One. I could blame alot of things, but most of all I blame myself because I still gave my heart away even though its already been broken too many times.

Each time my heart got smashed to pieces, I would cry my eyes out night after night. I would not eat because my body did not seem to register hunger anymore. Basically I would cry myself to sleep, then wake up and cry again. My mind searched for ways to relieve itself of the emotional pain, but the relief was always temporary and only time managed to dull the pain. The wounds heal, but the scars remain.

I would always end up telling myself that I didn't want or need another relationship anymore because they only get complicated and I didn't want the grief. I thought I would never let anyone else in anymore yet I find myself in another relationship once again hoping that 'hey, maybe this one will be different. Maybe it'll be better.'

Maybe I'm the one who screwed up. I really don't know. Maybe I'm just difficult to be with because of all my insecurities and fear of getting cheated and hurt. Maybe its too hard to understand that all I want is to feel that I'm as good as you thought I was when you didn't have me yet. But the truth as we all know, is that everybody is flawed, especially me. It's just that you didn't see the imperfections when I was out of your reach. I know you've given me many changes to redeem myself and I'm sorry that I disappointed you, that just my love isn't good enough anymore. I no longer felt needed or wanted by you long ago, and that's really what hurts me the most.

Random.

2011-03-22T00:18:00.002+08:00

There's no holding on anymore. Cuz it's pointless when I'm the only one who wants to do so.

Pictures & some rambling.

2011-02-24T01:20:00.015+08:00

Random pictures of everything I wanted to blog about but never got down to doing so...

The yummy 排骨飯 in Taipei!

Absolute Thai@Century Square with X

Desserts from Canele@Raffles City

Huge ASS burger in Auckland!!! Taste was disappointing though=/

Great pasta. Forgot the name of the place but it was somewhere near One Raffles Quay.

The little cabinet that I bought from IKEA and X helped assemble.

IKEA : Having dinner with my furry friends!

X and I watched 3 movies over the past few days - Black Swan, 127 Hours and No Strings Attached. All very different movies I know, and I do have a vast appetite for all sorts of movies. So lucky for me, I'd found someone like X who shares my passion for movies and I definitely appreciate that he's not the kinda guy who only likes a certain genre.

Black Swan was a really dark movie and although it has received plenty of rave reviews, I can't say that I really liked it. But the character portrayed by Natalie Portman definitely struck a chord in me because I am in many ways like Nina Sayers. I am emotionally fragile and pretty much a control freak and there was also a time where I almost spiraled out of control because of all that. Though I never got to the point of sprouting feathers and webbed feet and other hallucinations(thankfully), it was still a rather dark period of my life that I pray will never happen again. So I'll rather stick to feel-good movies anytime and 127 hours was that inspirational kinda movie which I prefer.

I'm pretty much brain-dead now so I'm just gonna stop here. Gdnite!

Self-doubt is a terrible thing.

2011-02-15T16:08:00.003+08:00

To those who think Valentine's Day is a big deal - Happy Belated Valentine's Day.

Personally I'm not into celebrating occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays, so it comes as no surprise that I think Valentine's Day is kinda, well, stupid. No offense, but isn't Valentine's day just some ruse that a scheming sales company cooked up to line their own pockets?

It's been my third year together with X now and come to think of it, we've never celebrated Valentine's Day and I actually spent yesterday alone in a cold, foreign country watching TV in my hotel room.

Even worse, I had an argument with X over skype that left me in tears and self-doubt once again. For those of you reading this, I'm not in a 'self-pity' mode just because I had to be alone on Valentine's Day. I'm only sorry that I quarreled with X and I hate myself for doubting myself once again.

When we argued yesterday X said that I'm 'consisently defiant' and I was really hurt by the comment. Not because the comment wasn't true - but because he knew that was what I'd always been like even before we got together and yet he loathes my 'defiance' now.

I'm very aware of the shortcomings I have - I'm SUPER stubborn, hot-headed,argumentative, impulsive, angsty and brutally honest amongst alot of other things. I'm not docile, sweet, 'sunshiney', I don't have a placid nature and I give sh*t to other people who try to give me crap.

So I suck and I made this very clear to X when he wanted to be with me and I didn't want to be with him. But his persistence finally won me over after a year and even though most of the time now we're very happy - I can't help but wonder if he really wants to be with someone like me for the rest of his life.

I know X is sorry for the things he said and I know he's worried that my so-called 'defiance' will land me in trouble someday, but this self-doubt isn't something that goes away with an apology. Most of the time I feel some sort of inadequacy within myself and maybe that's why I always feel like our relationship isn't very healthy or balanced.

It's like I want him more than he wants me.

Lucky in love!

2011-01-27T02:39:00.005+08:00

I have not seen X in a long time and the first thing that happened when I got to speak to him was a small argument between us.

It was all so silly actually...I wanted him to come out and meet me today but a part of me knew that X was really tired after work and needed his rest. That part of me wanted to seem like an understanding girlfriend but yet another part of me felt bummed. I don't want to be like the unreasonable girlfriend who throws a tantrum just to get her boyfriend to meet her but my inner devil was whispering in my ear, 'What? He could have met you but he doesn't want to! He probably doesn't miss you as much...tsk!'

I tried to keep my feelings to myself which obviously still showed cuz X was puzzled by my erratic behavior so we argued before I finally told him the real reason why I was unhappy. I was actually on the verge of tears because I just missed him SO damn much that as much as I hadn't wanted to seem too demanding I just couldn't help myself.

So anyways X apologised and rushed down to meet me and we had a great dinner plus dessert after that. *ahem* The real dessert, not sex if that's what you're thinking. All I really really wanna say is I love X alot. There are conflicting emotions within me at times, especially when we have these quarrels but at the end of the day we manage to work out our problems together and I wouldn't exchange what we have for anything else in the world.

So this song is for him.

"I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again..."

I really can't promise that there won't be any more arguments in future but I can promise to keep holding onto what we share.

First post of 2011

2011-01-20T00:47:00.005+08:00

My first post of 2011 and I know it should have come sooner but what to do, I was down with a sore throat plus flu plus an annoying dry cough for like a whole month? One symptom would go away and then another would start and the cough was the worst cuz I would not be able to sleep sometimes with that tickling sensation at the back of my throat. Now I'm feeling all better and I hope to stay healthy for the rest of the year! *fingers crossed*

I'm also stalling with the updates due to a 'technical glitch' because ever since I had my new Samsung Galaxy S, I'm clueless about transferring the photos from the phone to my computer. I would plug in my phone, open up the files and I simply CANNOT find the current pics that I want-_-". All the old photos are there, but I don't see any folder with my new pictures in it so I was complaining to X about it the other day and he promised to see what he can do about it. Ain't love grand? Well, it offers you IT support in my case, which is a pretty good deal haha!

But seriously though, X really means alot to me. He's not just some guy who fixes my IT problems, he fixes every problem I have in my life. He makes sure I eat proper meals, gives me hugs when I need them, pampers me with gifts both big and small, listens to me when I need to vent, goes shopping with me without complaint and he's just really good to me. Apart from my family and my close friends, he's probably the best thing in my life right now.

You've probably noticed I said the words 'right now' and I say that because there was a long time ago when alot of sh*t happened. Tears were shed, hearts were broken, there was mayhem all the time but at least now that part is OVER. I still worry over the imperfect parts of our relationship but now I do understand that no relationship is perfect. I guess I need to quit worrying and just be MYSELF.

Have a great 2011 ahead people! I plan to have a great year with my family, friends and of course Mr. X=D

Ramblings.

2010-12-23T04:20:00.003+08:00

Whilst I'm not a big fan of celebrating anything, this Christmas will be the first that I'll be away from my family in many years. Or should I say Christmas eve, since I'll be back on Christmas Day itself. Most of my Christmases were unexciting events - usually a quiet dinner/gathering of sorts with my own family together with some extended family members or friends, yet somehow I feel a little wistful about missing Christmas eve all the same.

One thing I do hate about Christmas though, would be the maddening crowds of people at all the shopping centres doing their Christmas shopping. I'm not very good with picking out gifts, esp. for men because seriously what can you get for men? It's either a wallet, belt or a shirt. Sometimes maybe cologne. That's about the options you have and honestly, I suck at buying presents for X.

Occasion 1 - I bought a shirt from H&M for him, size Medium, and it turned out to be a tad too tight around the shoulders (what to do, the bf has nice broad shoulders la) so the shirt kinda died a natural death. To think that I actually went to several outlets just to find that shirt in that size...*shrugs*. Not anybody's fault, but still a little xianz that my effort was wasted.

Occasion 2 - Another shirt this time from Forever 21 Men when I was in the States. I specifically got Large this time, but as it turned out, the shirt was a tad loose damnit! X liked the shirt and also wore it once, but I know I could have done better. *bleah*

As such, I've shied away from buying shirts now, and I feel bad admitting that I didn't even get X anything for his birthday or Christmas. Not that I think he'd mind, but I feel like such a terrible girlfriend especially when I've received more than my fair share of gifts from him.

I've often questioned myself whether I'm not making enough effort, cuz I'm not the type of girlfriend who would bake cookies or cook a meal or write nice, mushy birthday/anniversary cards and I've not even tried doing so simply because its not who I am. I'm aware that X had an ex-girlfriend who used to do the nicest things for him and who could afford him costly presents so there are times when I'm still insecure about how I fare as a girlfriend and I don't know what I should do because if I start baking cookies etc, I kinda feel like I'm bending over backwards just to please someone else. Plus there's the little problem of me being domestically-impaired. I might just blow up my house in the process.

Maybe that's the reason why I often worry about whether X loves me JUST THE WAY I AM. I mean, I'm really as imperfect as they come. I don't have the best temper, I don't do sweet 'girlfriendly' stuff, I can't be bothered to celebrate special occasions (including my own b'day) and I don't do housework.

But on the plus side, I'm low maintenance precisely because I don't like celebrating silly things like anniversaries. I also don't make my boyfriend carry my handbag or buy me useless flowers that die in a few days. I also pick up the tab for our meals or movies from time to time cuz I don't expect the bf to be the one paying all the time.

So I don't think I'm that bad after all huh?

I conclude that a relationship can't and nor should it be measured by the material things. My language of love speaks for itself from the way I carry my heart on my sleeve. All i can give X is my love and I hope that's enough.

"All i want for Xmas is YOU."

Private thoughts

2010-12-16T02:49:00.002+08:00

I know this is a really super old song, but I heard it the other day and it just reminded me of how much I miss X sometimes when he's away from me & vice versa.

I guess I can get a little 'dramatic' at times but being human (and being a girl), there are times when I'm walking the streets alone in a really cold foreign country and I really yearn for his warm hand holding mine.

Moments in bed alone and I can almost imagine his legs entwined with mine and I'd think, 'how great it would be if he was here.'

These are very very personal thoughts which I've rarely shared because I like to portray myself as a tough cookie but I'm really just a regular girl at heart.

"I left my heart with you, please take care of it."

New Year Resolutions 2011

2010-12-14T23:54:00.003+08:00

In the blink of an eye we've come close to the end of another year and whilst I'm not sure how many of us (me included) actually fulfil their annual 'New Year Resolutions', I still feel inclined to make a list for year 2011 so here it is:

(NOT in order of importance)
*Tone down my temper
*Learn swimming
*Spend more time with my family
*Have a better relationship with X
*Save more $$ and spend less on online shopping
*Practise yoga more often
*Lose 2 kg (or at least maintain my current weight)
*Learn to turn the other cheek

2010 has been another rollercoaster year for me. I've found a new job which I'm beginning to appreciate, and along with it a multitude of challenges that mainly involves juggling work and my love life. Not to be mistaken - I'm not the type of girl who's hung-up about 'relationship issues' all the time. I'm just being honest with the whole world when I say that the main challenge right now is indeed making things work with X because of our conflicting schedules. But somehow, I just have this feeling we'll work our way through it, just as we've done so with every other problem we've encountered. (Wow, that actually sounds like it came from another person, but its that elusive optimist in me speaking actually.)

Temperament wise, I'm actually pretty cool with where I stand right now because I have toned down alot during the past year. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say I've gone from an 8 or 9 all the way down to maybe a 3. I still let my anger get the better of me occasionally, but I'm working on it. Bear in mind though, that keeping my anger in control will not mean that I don't have a temper anymore because when push comes to shove, I'm not afraid of confrontation. That's just who I am because I think if I don't stand up for myself, then who will?

Which brings me to the issue of turning the other cheek. I'm aware that I'm frightfully stubborn and this trait makes people worry for me cuz they think I'm liable to say things without thinking, or rather sugar-coating it. And they're right. I cannot control myself sometimes and I will speak up in the face of seniority/authority, especially if I feel that something is strongly injustified. The libran in me can be very aggressive when it comes to fairness and I don't believe in being politically correct. It's dangerous because I work in an environment where there's a strong sense of hierarchy and expression of opinion is often taken as 'insubordination' but I think I can take care of myself. However to spare X a few less gray hairs, I will try to turn the other cheek...which will be even harder than learning to swim=/

Sounds like I've got my work cut out for me so my last resolution will be...to be able to fulfil all of New Year resolutions!

Weariness has overtaken me

2010-12-08T00:56:00.003+08:00

Having a relationship and keeping it going really isn't an easy task and many a time, I've reminded myself that X is in this relationship as much as I am and he too, has made many changes and sacrifices for us.

But when is enough ever enough? Why is the light that I'm supposed see at the end of the tunnel getting dimmer? We cope with every dificulty and challenge the best we can but yet I have to admit I don't really carry high hopes that everything will pan out for us. I'm weary and I don't want to fight it anymore. Maybe it's not meant to be and we're not meant to be.

I'm not trying to be difficult and on the contrary, I'm trying to be reasonable. Considering that it isn't fair for either of us to give up one thing or another to accomodate each other, I'd rather no action be taken and I'll get over whatever unhappiness there is in due time. Perhaps X and I just place a different value on the things that are involved in this equation.

Hypothetically our relationship should always come first but I don't think it's fair for X to make certain changes for our relationship because in actuality, our relationship will not be adversely affected even if he does not make that particular change. I want to be fair and by being fair, it means that no one should have to do anything unnecessary just to please the other party, especially if the problem is caused by extraneous circumstances and is by no means any of our fault. Get it??

"X, I really hope you understand."

Sorry I'm just being human

2010-11-30T16:14:00.006+08:00

All I can say is, I'm sorry I'm so flawed.

"Something always brings me back to u, it never takes too long..."

I heart Zooey Deschanel!

2010-11-21T01:44:00.002+08:00

"Don't call me past 11pm, it won't happen again. I'm not your late night booty call. You can call me at 10.59 but don't call me at 11 cuz that's my rule now..."

A really off-beat song but the lyrics are oh-so-true. Enjoy!

Hair - the long & short of it

2010-11-19T19:04:00.002+08:00

I'm officially a fan of IPL hair removal! For years I've been tweezing, waxing and shaving and whilst I've considered IPL as an option, I'd never got down to trying it til my waxing therapist persuaded me about 2 months ago to sign up for their package and since they were having a pretty good promotion, I thought to myself 'Why not?'.

So anyway I was feeling kinda nervous during my first session about 3 weeks back cuz I was lying there imagining what the pain might feel like but at the end of it, though the sensation wasn't quite pleasant, it wasn't unbearable. I could feel slight 'zapping', sort of like getting shocked by stronger static but the results after just 3 weeks is incredible! I'm like almost 'hair-less' after one session but that's also because I didn't have alot of hair to start off with. In other words, people who are hairier may need a few more sessions to be completely hair-free but I really lurrrve the results and I'm looking forward to my next session so I can say goodbye to reddened follicles irritated by plucking or shaving and say hello to smooth underarms haha!

It's also really super convenient since I don't have to use tweezers or shavers anymore so I'm really glad I signed up for that package after all. It was $$ well spent=)

What's your take on the denim mini skirt?

2010-11-10T14:25:00.002+08:00

People who has known me since my poly school days will probably remember that I adore my denim mini skirts. The denim mini-skirt has been a staple in my wardrobe even til now and it's only recently that X brought to my attention that he didn't fancy them.

To my surprise of surprises, my best guy friend gave me the exact same feedback and I'm completely flummoxed. To me, the denim mini is quintessentially a must-have piece much like the classic LBD. What can I say? The denim mini is sexy without looking skanky, informal without looking too casual and it goes well with anything - T-shirt with sneakers or a nice blouse with sandals etc etc. I would almost always wear it for a first date with a guy if I'm not too certain about how I should dress.

All that said, I'm still glad that at least X takes an interest in what I wear and for the guys, let's just say that whilst books shouldn't be judged by their covers, first impressions do matter and girls do look at what the boys are wearing too.

I like my man in long-sleeved shirts with the sleeves rolled up paired with berms or jeans cuz that looks real yummy to me!

FYI - I'm still keeping my denim minis.

A very long post.

2010-11-09T01:23:00.011+08:00

The 'porcupine' in me has toned down a lot since last year and by that, I mean that I'm no longer as prickly as I used to be.

I no longer feel as hesitant writing about my personal life openly, esp with regards to my relationship with X. There were also certain things which used to make me unhappy, but I've learned to turn the other cheek now because that control freak in me kinda realizes that you can't have control over everything in life. I also no longer snap at queue-cutters, instead I tell them nicely that the queue is 'back there'. Let's just say that I've found more tactful ways to express my dissatisfaction without being such a biatch.

But like I've told X before - I'm no Little Ms Sunshine and my personality traits will always be fundamental to who I am and what he needs to do is embrace these qualities, good or bad. I know nobody's perfect and I do nitpick on some of his annoying traits as well but I don't think I've ever made him feel lousy about who he is. So why do I feel like I don't live up to his expectations so often? I'm always feeling like I'm not smart enough, sweet enough, not hard working enough...perhaps it's time I pick my self-esteem up from the toilet.

People following my blog will get the feeling that I'm always negative about alot of things but the truth is - people like me do get screwed over too. We don't always have everything going for us and also, what you read here isn't my whole life picture.

So after all this emo talk, I shall share something happy here cuz X and I finally had some quality time these past 2 days. We went to this new pasta joint @ Liang Seah Street called 'Around the World, A Pasta Affair' and check out the food!:

From the top: Mushroom soup, Aglio-aglio with prawn & Chilli Crab.

I must say that I really enjoyed my aglio-aglio and for an additional $1, you get 4 big prawns which is pretty worthwhile. That means my pasta only cost me $8.90 and it was really one of the best aglio-aglio I've had before. I wouldn't recommend the chilli crab though, because at $14.90 it was way more expensive but I could barely see any crab meat in there!

They also had these cute cups in the shape of a mini pitcher which they serve their drinks in:

I love pasta and will definitely give this place another try! Heard their carbonara's pretty good too.

So as you see, I'm definitely not a depressed person who only bitches about how f**ked up life is. I like to bitch sometimes, but it's just to vent and also because I'm always transparent about how I feel. My life was pretty f**ked up before, but I think that's past. I'm a happier person now, sans some of the baggage.

Thank you X, for bringing some semblance of sanity back to my life. I may not always show my appreciation but I do care.

PMS, PMS, PMS....

2010-10-23T01:34:00.002+08:00

I'm suffering from a severe bout of PMS these few days that has made me highly irritable and emotional. Not very good at all.

Men ought to know by now that PMS is a known medical condition that affects many women in different ways & as a rule of thumb, husbands and boyfriends should wisely let us get away with anything and everything during this crucial period if they wish to maintain world peace.

Does that sound totally unreasonable to you? Perhaps but you see, I don't really care cuz I'm a girl and I think it says alot when a guy is willing to put his ego aside and give in to you even when you might be the one who's being belligerent.

Most women are not logical creatures and I for one, am ruled by my emotions. If my emotional needs are not satisfied then the relationship can never be a good one. Just give me some good ol' TLC!

Meaningful quote

2010-10-19T01:05:00.002+08:00

Saw a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt shared by a friend on Facebook a few days back, and I felt it was rather meaningful so I'm sharing it here.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

Don't give a damn about others who judge you, just be true to yourself. After all, that's the only person you're answerable to isn't it?

Beautiful Amsterdam!

2010-10-18T03:31:00.009+08:00

Got back from Amsterdam yesterday & even though it's already almost 4am right now, I can't sleep. Jet lag? Maybe. All I know is I couldn't sleep til 5am yesterday and I slept like 15 hours after that. I just pray my body clock gets back to normal soon.

My verdict on Amsterdam is that it's a really beautiful place and I had more fun than I thought I would, but that was also probably due to the great company I had over there. We explored the infamous red-light district of Amsterdam on the first night, checking out the hookers in the windows, and went for drinks and watched a 'live porno sex show' after that.

As expected when I told my mom about the so-called 'sex show' she was suitably aghast as any good parent would be, but mostly because she didn't want the guys around me to think that I was 'easy' just because I went to check out the sex show. Bah! I understand my mom's concerns but honestly I think it was all in good fun & anyway it was a waste of my money. 30 euros to be exact, and the show was kind of a letdown.

I'll let the pictures do the talking now...but sorry to disappoint! There aren't any pictures of the sex show k, not that I would post them even if there were-_-''

One of the places offering the 'live sex shows'. I know the whole area seems pretty seedy but I encourage anybody on holiday in Amsterdam to just go and have a feel of the place. It's really a great place to just chill, grab a beer and enjoy.

Dollars & sense.

2010-10-02T14:55:00.003+08:00

Maintaining a blog can be quite difficult at times when you're busy with work/life in general & I must say I'm guilty of not updating as often as I should be.

I've not even uploaded photos of my Dubai-Cairo trip from last month! -_-"

But I guess I'm just plain lazy these days & my camwhoring days are kinda behind me now that I'm a 'semi-retired model'. I'm loving my new camera but there are some days when I can't even be bothered to whip it out to take photos...which I should because I've been visiting some really fantastic places.

Alright. I hereby resolve to utilize my camera especially since I paid for it outta my own pocket.

I've had 3 long off-days ALONE since X wasn't around & it really SUCKS. I'm not even gonna pretend that I'm cool with not seeing him because I didn't expect to sign up for meeting my bf like only 7 days in a month. It's kinda pathetic ain't it? I cherish our time together and I try not to get all 'emo' but it is frustrating, more for me than him. So that's why I act like a petulant kid and then X has to cajole me haha.

So with all that time on my hands I went down to the bank to get my POSB ATM card changed to the 'Go!' card so it's bye bye to that super old-school silver one that I've had since I was 16. Not that there were any issues with the old card, just that my mom thought I should have one that can withdraw cash from overseas ATMs since I'm traveling alot these days. I'm also converting my UOB credit card to an ATM card as well, since POSB ATMs always have long queues. Plus my dad is giving me his Citibank card as well, so I will have a total of 3 cards!

To everyone out there who believes in credit cards - CASH IS KING! Wait til you go to a country that doesn't accept credit cards widely & you'll get what I mean. Then it gets annoying cuz you can't shop to your heart's content.

Ending my rambling here & just one last thing before I go - 'X, you're missed! Come back quick k.'

What can I say? I am a fool.

2010-09-07T23:57:00.002+08:00

Even when I was a kid, I never apologized for something that I felt wasn't my fault because I believe there's no point in saying sorry when you're obviously not.

When I was about 13 years old, I got into a fight with a cousin and I broke her spectacles. I distinctly remember how angry my dad was & he demanded that I apologize to her. My response? 'I'm not sorry, & I'll still hit her if the same thing were to happen,' I told my dad. My defiance got me a sound thrashing from my father but up til this day, I maintain that same belief that one should never apologize if you don't believe that you are wrong.

I know I'm stubborn & so are you. But don't say sorry for the sake of saying sorry and don't make it sound like you're doing me a favor when you apologize.

It's adding insult to the injury.

I've left my heart with you. Pls take care of it.

2010-09-07T00:19:00.005+08:00

I know I said I'll update my blog in detail complete with photos of my Dubai-Cairo trip but when I came home on Friday with X after our chalet 'staycation', he decided to stay around at my place longer cuz we both know we wouldn't be seeing each other for at least another week after that. So wrapped up in utter bliss, we lazed on my bed and slept in til lunch time & yes, I know all of a sudden I'm letting on alot about my personal life than I normally do but I just miss X so damn much that just writing about him and us kinda takes away the pang of separation just a lil' bit.

I normally come across as a tough straight-talking person and that's fairly accurate. I even described myself as a 'porcupine' once and reason being? 'I can be rather prickly', I said. But having been through quite a dark period together with X, that prickliness has softened somewhat. I have let X see the vulnerability in me and I'm still struggling to get past that sense of shame I feel for being 'imperfect'. I know it sounds crazy because who the hell is perfect in this world? But somehow I want to be perfect for X and real or imagined, I often feel as though I'm not good enough for him. My self-esteem basically, is in the toilet.

It's been a rough rocky road for me and X and sometimes, the things I hear from others do make me feel a little worried and uneasy about our relationship because we're away from each other so much. But trust is something I'm really working on and I want to believe my choice is right. I want to believe that true love does exist even though I've been put through hell for that. I've seen alot of failed cases and I've even been one of those statistics but still, I want to believe. Call me an idiot but I'm no longer as jaded or cynical as I thought I was.

I'm playing a game of high stakes and I've put my heart on the betting table. I just hope it doesn't get broken like it did before.

"I miss you SO much, X."

Home Sweet Home!

2010-09-02T01:46:00.004+08:00

Just came back from Dubai-Cairo this morning & it was just in time to celebrate my dad's bday! We had dinner @ TungLok and though I didn't eat as much as I thought I would, I sure miss local food.

Pictures & a more detailed update coming up after I'm back from my little staycation with Mr. X=p

"This moment is perfect , please don't go away."

I've been getting all these spam on my tagboard...can someone make it all go away?!!

New camera, old photos, fond memories.

2010-08-25T11:26:00.015+08:00

I finally got a new camera since fixing my old one would have cost me $180 and after some pondering I decided on the IXUS 300HS. I'm not a photography enthusiast or anything, but I'm pretty happy with the quality of this compact camera!

And since I've nothing better to do, here are the pics taken from my Taipei trip with Mr.X...The 雞排 that's very popular...long queue!The 麻油雞 was bland...so it was kinda different from what I'd expected.This cafe has a real live golden retriever mascot! Unfortunately the dog was asleep so I couldn't take a photo with it.I'm not really sure what the food is. Some kind of risotto I suppose.SUPER CHEAP western fare at the 夜市!Admittedly the food is really mediocre. But at these kinda prices I'm not really gonna argue.Pigging out again...

Our favourite 阿宗面缐! *yums*

Showing off the cheapo watches we bought!

This vacation felt like ages ago when it's only been 3 months. It's time for another trip but unfortunately I'm still on probation for my new job so it will have to wait til 6 months later when I clear my probation before I can take leave=(

However X and I will have one of our staycations next week so I'm really looking forward to that. I realise we might have very limited time together from now on and even though part of me is still wondering what I've gotten ourselves into, I guess it's more vital that we make the most out of it together.

This is my heart, on my sleeve.

2010-08-18T01:09:00.003+08:00

I'm suffering from Mr. X-withdrawal symptoms...*sigh*

I dun mean to sound incredibly whiny or god forbid,'sticky'. I usually dun wear my heart on my sleeve but he's been away for like a week.

I go through the motions of work and eat and sleep as per normal but I kinda just stop at intervals unknowingly thinking of him & wondering if he's thinking about me too~

Can't wait for him to be back and to see him on Friday!

2010-07-26T23:44:00.001+08:00

Disillusioned...

2010-07-26T23:09:00.004+08:00

I consider myself a rather private person because even though I do blog, I usually refrain from writing about anything too personal or even if I do, I keep things ambiguous.

But there are certain things which I'll like to admit because right now, I'm simply too tired, too disillusioned to care.

Ever felt that no matter how much effort you put in, nobody seems to see it because as long as you make a mistake, no matter how small, you get faulted?

I get a sense of condemnation when that happens, and once or twice I can accept it, but when it happens ALL the time, I just can't turn the other cheek anymore. Tell me why, why should I continue trying when the person whom I care about the most doesn't care, doesn't see me anymore? All that person sees is a broken image of me, one that can never be mended again cuz the cracks will forever show.

Silly me. Day in day out, I keep trying to seal those cracks with my love and tears, hoping that somehow I could mask those cracks and become a little more perfect in his eyes again, stubbornly refusing that my efforts are in vain. But maybe it's time for a reality check.

Maybe everything is just but my wishful thinking.

Mush & musings

2010-07-12T23:40:00.003+08:00

I shall not neglect my blog. I shall not neglect my blog. I shall not neglect my blog.

It's a really hard resolution to stick to when I feel like 24 hrs a day is already insufficient for all the things I need to do.

But when I think again, I'm really not as busy as some other people & I merely feel the way I do because I'm used to a more leisurely pace of life.

Overall though, I'm coping pretty well most of the time, considering. I've even been learning how to take a bus home on days when I'm not too tired. *pats myself on the back*

Chatted with X over skype when I got home today & it felt good unwinding & just talking to him even though its over a computer monitor. X sometimes annoys the hell outta me, & more often than not we've had our communication breakdowns but he's been my pillar of strength & he always gets me on track when I lose my way.

He's my movie kaki, my bitching buddy, my listening ear, my shoulder to cry on, my drama/movie download pirate, my IT support, my dietician, my pillow, my Santa Claus all rolled into one.

Enough mush.

Goodnite!

Rantings

2010-07-09T01:07:00.006+08:00

I'm glad to say that the past 2 days have been pretty good, since the person who gave me a damn hard time wasn't around to bother me or anyone else.

Whoever else he's picking on, I feel damn sorry for him/her but I'm just glad it's not me anymore. *fingers crossed*

X and I will be watching 'Despicable Me' this weekend and I'm so thrilled about it! I've been wanting to catch it ever since the first time I saw the trailer. It looks so damn farnee and the characters are SOOoooOOo VERY CUTE!

I'm expecting some noisy kids in the cinema this being a cartoon & all, which is fine by me, but one thing I absolutely cannot stand is parents who bring their children to an 'age-inappropriate' movie and then allowing them to make a lot of noise throughout the show. This happened last weekend whilst I was watching 'Eclipse' & I was so damn pissed I almost wanted to confront the parents who are so f**king inconsiderate.

First of all, 'Eclipse' is definitely not a movie for kids around the age of 3 to 4 or 5 or 6 whatever the case.

Secondly, if you choose to bring your children to such a movie, at least control them.

Instead these people allowed their kids to roam freely to the front row seats and let them continuing playing as if they were at the playground.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE F**K?

I got especially irritated at the crucial points of the show, e.g. when Edward was proposing to Bella. You may snort if you're not a Twilight fan, but imagine how you would feel if it were a movie you were actually enjoying.

Parents, if you do not know how to control your children then my advice is NOT to bring them out. Leave them at home with the maid, or your in-laws whatever but I don't think it's your prerogative to assume that just because they're children it means that concession must be made for them ALL the time. Kids may not have any sense to know better but as adults, as parents, you guys ought to have at least some common sense, and some consideration for others. Otherwise you guys are not even fit to be parents AT ALL.

Tsk tsk. You may think its presumptuous of me to criticize especially when I have no kids of my own and I do not know the difficulties blah blah blah, but sorry, I DON'T REALLY CARE.

#$%@^& KNN!

2010-07-06T23:40:00.003+08:00

It's only Wednesday tomorrow, but this is already shaping up to be the worst week I've had so far since starting my new 'job'.

I've broke down in tears 2 days in a row, and call me a crybaby if you will but this is the way I deal with my emotions.

I cry not because I'm scared, since I'm not the least bit scared by verbal threats of reporting me to my 'manager'. I cry not because I want sympathy, even if YOU are capable of mustering up some level of sympathy which I highly doubt so.

It took me every ounce of my willpower not to make a retort when confronted with a situation which made me feel that I was almost being bullied. But I have a freaking limit when it comes to tolerance and if YOU push me again, I will push back. Write to my manager if you wish, if you feel you have a case, but I'm a smart individual and I'm not afraid of any investigation with regards to my suitability for the job.

Whilst I understand that every person has a different style of delivery in teaching methods, NOT respecting me as a trainee/student means I will NOT accord you any respect as well. I will listen and absorb your teachings to the best of my ability, but I will curse & swear all the same. Being strict and being nasty is a thin line, and once I think you've crossed my line, THAT'S IT!

I'M NO F**KING PUSHOVER!!!

I don't wanna fall to pieces

2010-07-01T00:24:00.004+08:00

As everyone ought to know by now, no updates on my blog = BUSY BUSY BUSY!

I know my updates are seriously non-existent for the past one month but it's been one hectic week after another as I struggle to keep up with the pace of my new 'job'. I've hardly had any time with X, though we finally managed to squeeze out some time to catch 'Toy Story 3' last Saturday and I'm also extremely sleep deprived. On average I get about 5-6 hrs of sleep if I'm lucky, or else I make do with 3-4 hrs, which makes me function kinda erratically-_-".

As the control freak in me has deduced correctly, the transition phase of my new work has caused a rift between X and me, & I don't just mean the amount of time we actually have together. I've been highly stressed out and cranky & as a result I admit my attitude sucks sometimes. But on the other hand, X can be very un-empathetic. Enough said because this blog will not be about me airing my dirty laundry.

Being a control freak, I like to anticipate all sorts of possible scenarios and preempt undesirable things from happening but I know this isn't always a good thing. I thought I've learned to let go of my need to control every situation including love & relationships but now when confronted with uncertainties, my inner alarm has been triggered & I'm back on 'HIGH ALERT' mode.

I just care too damn much. That's just how foolhardy I am.

'Today's the day
I pray that we make it through.

Make it through the fall,
Make it through it all
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.

You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.'

Musings

2010-06-09T01:16:00.004+08:00

Human beings are complicated creatures and relationships between human beings are even more complicated.
Do a person really have to be politically correct all the time?
How do you define being really actually nice or just being fake?
When do you draw the line btwn being blatantly honest and being too honest for your own good?

When in doubt, I always say be true to yourself. The complex and somewhat treacherous nature of inter-human relationships gets me down at times, but I'm just glad I have friends who care enough to be equally honest with me and remind me of what's truly important. So contrary to popular belief, I do have friends & I mean REALLY good friends, not those you have on FB.

To those who have issues with me, don't suffer in silence cuz if you do that then it's YOUR problem. I won't change who I am to ingratiate myself with anybody, but I will let others learn to accept me for who I am in time to come.

'Just be what you want, just as long as it's real.'

I miss my old life somehow.

2010-05-29T21:07:00.003+08:00

You know you've not been blogging for a LOOoNG time when you have to stop and think for several seconds before entering your username and password to login to Blogger, which was exactly what just happened to me=/

The past 2 weeks have been almost frantic for me as I struggle to adapt to a new work environment. I've been cabbing to work everyday and I swear there's no way I can get up any earlier to take the bus, cuz that would mean waking up at 5am which is impossible for me. 6.30am is already quite a feat for me ok.

I'm seriously sleep deprived these days & I'm thankful for this long weekend, but alas how am I going to survive the months after that? I look in the mirror and I HATE my eyebags. I kinda miss my old life but I can't complain much cuz I chose this path myself. I only wish X could show me more empathy but sometimes its like we're on different wavelengths.

That aside, we did manage to spend some time together the past 2 weeks. We watched 'Shrek Forever After' last weekend as well as 'SATC 2' yesterday. It's a challenge trying not to get annoyed dealing with the weekend crowd as well as kids who make alot of noise in the cinema. This is again something I have to get used to since I no longer have the luxury of hanging out during the weekdays. I know I shouldn't allow myself to get irritated over these little things, but it's just really hard not to be grumpy cuz that's how I am. I've been trying very very hard to tackle my prickly attitude, but I don't know if it's enough or when it'll be enough. I'm no longer Miss Hothead, but I can never be Miss Docile. And that's not who or what I wanna be either.

Back to the movies - SATC 2 was slightly disappointing for me. I felt that the first Sex and The City movie was so much better in terms of the drama and laughs whereas SATC 2 was somewhat more serious in terms of the issues explored in the movie. Some of the things in the show were more than enough to reinforce my no-kids policy so in future it's just going to be me and X, just like Carrie and Big. I hope that will be enough for him too. I guess this is why SATC is so successful, cuz it explores real issues in life and relationships, making it all too relatable esp. to the female audience. Me? I'm part Carrie, part Samantha!

"Me & You, Just us two."

A summary of our TPE trip

2010-05-06T12:07:00.002+08:00

Back from my Taipei vacation with X but unfortunately my camera has been sent for repairs so I can't upload my pictures for now since I can't find my card reader as well. Funny how things always seem to go missing when you actually do need them.

This being my first vacation with X, I've finally got to experience how ANAL he really is. He was forever nagging at me to pack/arrange my stuff neatly, not to mess up the dresser with all my toiletries, not to leave my cardigan on the bed, to cap the shower gel after using etc etc...

Let's just say he's worse than my dad & mom combined. And to set the record straight, it was a friggin hotel room! I'm usually not a slob in my own house, but I do believe it's normal to let loose on vacation ok. Especially if there's a chambermaid who'd clean up after you.

As for the used shower cap on the sink plus leaving clean tissue on his toothbrush, my apologies. I duly obliged to clear those up after X complained.

Overall we had fun though I think we blew alot of $$, especially for my own shopping. I brought NT12000 with me (abt S$600) but I was left with NT1000 on my second night there-_-" In the end I had to get by paying by card wherever possible and X also withdrew some cash from their ATMs for me.

Last but not least, I thank X for being so patient with me throughout the entire trip, enduring shopping after shopping expedition with me with nary a word of complaint, and for being so generous as to sponsor the trip. I know we've had some hiccups, but I appreciate his kindness and generosity.

Definitely looking forward to a next trip with X, & photos will be posted once I get my camera back=)

From now on, I hate volcanoes.

2010-04-19T11:33:00.009+08:00

First of all, I HATE THE DUMB VOLCANO!!!

X is now stuck in Milan because of the Europe airports shutdown due to all the volcanic ash floating in the skies. I know I'm not the only one in the entire world affected so I shouldn't be so whiny but it really sucks cuz he was supposed to be back yesterday morning but now it remains to be seen if he can even make it back on Wednesday. *sigh*

We've been 'skype-ing' with each other whenever possible so its not that bad though the frustration is mounting. We're supposed to go for our Taipei trip this Sunday & now I'm even wondering if that would be affected cuz in my worst case scenario, he might still be stuck there.

Anyways, I know that an act of God cannot be helped. I know he is frustrated too, perhaps even more than I am so I just want him to come back safe and sound.

Meanwhile...my cousin brought her kids to my place for dinner yesterday and look how cute Amber is!

16-4-2010: Met my sis for some shopping+dinner after work. We settled for Ramen Ten which as usual, made an okay meal if you're not too fussy or expect too much-_-" I told X that I will never subject him to eating Ramen Ten because I know that would be like sending him to ramen hell & I do agree that their noodles are substandard but I'm just not that 'quality' conscious as long as the food fills my stomach.

Since they were having a 50% off second ramen for POSB/DBS cards, I ordered the most expensive item on the menu which is the 'abalone ramen' so the little white pieces of things that resemble fishcakes are actually 'abalone'. Wahaha...and FYI, my soup was green in color though it doesn't show in my picture. The taste was quite normal though, just that the color was a turn-off.

A much better ramen but not really top on my list was Ippudo @ Mandarin Gallery. I won't bother saying too much since there have been alot of reviews done on the place already. The one gripe I had was their soup, which had a weird 'egg-y' taste that I can't really describe. Once you get past that, everything is ok but not exactly superb.

On the plus side their cha-shu pork bun was yummy! But its kinda ironic to be raving about the restaurant's buns when ramen is supposed to be their specialty.

That's all for now, til X comes back.

Quick update

2010-04-01T23:08:00.003+08:00

Been feeling crappy these few days because of some annoying skin problems=(

At first glance my face looks fine but since I've always had pretty good skin, the appearance of 3 little stubborn bumps near my nose REALLY bothers me. Plus it's even more annoying when I can't tell what it is - they're not pimples definitely. They could be clogged pores but whatever it is, no amount of scrubbing, deep cleansing masks has helped so far therefore I've made an appt to see a super expensive aesthetic doctor tmr. I hope he or she can help. *fingers crossed* I know X is not very pleased cuz he probably thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but what do men know? We wanna look good for them and they don't even appreciate our efforts. Bah!

Anyway I went shopping with sis today and despite my solemn vows not to spend anymore $$, I still came home with a dress, a pair of flats and a hairband (which happened to match my dress!). *sigh* I need to hibernate at home in order to prevent myself from spending recklessly, esp for this month. I have to pay a pretty hefty credit card bill this month, on top of the cost of a trip to Taipei end of this month, and I haven't even included the expenses likely to be incurred on the trip later on=/ Plus I have no idea how much I might need to spend to get my skin treated. I just wanna get rid of the damned bumps! Money isn't really an object when it comes to good skin ok.

*The disappointment I can handle, but not the pain.*

Update

2010-03-18T15:14:00.010+08:00

I used to think that my greatest hobby in life was shopping but judging by majority of my recent entries, I think my favorite hobby now would be stuffing my face. So I'll let the pictures do the talking.

X and I went to check out Applebee's, which is actually a diner-style type of place in the US. The Applebee's here though, is alot more 'atas' and for the clueless, it's located at the new TripleOne Building behind 313Somerset.

I was slightly disappointed by the servings as I had expected bigger American appetite portions. We ordered the buffalo wings, soup of the day (mushroom), and the fettuccine to share but I was let down by the rather tasteless fettuccine. On the good side, the fettuccine came with 10 nicely grilled shrimps and their soup though a little watery in the consistency, had a nice flavor to it. The buffalo wings were good as well - the honey BBQ sauce hit the right notes without being too sweet for me.

My apologies for not having any pictures to show for all this cuz I was too eager to dig into the food. However I did take a photo of our dessert:

The Maple Butter Blondie.

The dessert was yummy! I still had room for the dessert despite the fact that I was stuffed from the appetiser and the main. The only gripe I had was the slightly hard brownie which took abit of effort to cut. Otherwise this was delicious^^

I also met up with Liping 2 weeks back for a buffet lunch @ Marina Mandarin. The buffet spread was pretty scrumptious though I didn't really eat alot that day. FYI: the buffet is 1-for-1 for UOB cardholders so it comes up to only $22 per pax for a buffet with fresh oysters the size of my palm, and really BIG prawns. Good deal, esp. for oyster-lovers.

I don't really know most of her co-workers cuz this was her company's 'bonding lunch', but it was still fun to eat, drink and chit-chat, esp with Liping cuz she's been so busy with her business that we rarely meet as often as we would like. Anyway, I wish her good luck to her tuition centre business! It's not easy being an entrepreneur & I applaud her guts for abandoning her job at a bank & going for her dreams.

Last but not least, I have to have my weekly fix at TeaDot.

For the record, I've always been a coffee person for the longest time. I never fancied tea nor did I care for it but after a couple of trips to TeaDot with Liping (cuz this friend of mine doesn't drink coffee), I'm a tea convert cuz I discovered the Perfect Match Tea Latte (above). It tastes like milk tea infused with a hint of strawberry and whipped cream and the creamy combination is really good. So X & I will always go to TeaDot at least once every week now just to chill and enjoy the tea. I know it sounds boring but I just love that feeling of being with someone and not having to do anything and yet its just so comfortable. I almost feel...content and it's a good feeling.

We also have a little trip planned next month. I'm SOOoooO looking forward to it & I'm just praying that nothing happens to screw with our plans. *fingers crossed*

Heartfelt

2010-03-08T23:05:00.004+08:00

"Dear Mr.X,

I know its been a tough journey full of ups and downs. Despite all the 'shit', I love you too.

Yours sincerely,
Amanda S."

After hours of debate over the phone with X each and everytime, I just think I'm really dumb cuz it doesn't really matter that much who wins the argument, does it? Both of us are equally obstinate and opinionated but we only end up hurting our relationship by being stubborn. Any apologies that come after that are usually too late.

It wasn't easy for me to get back with X and it certainly hasn't been easy getting our relationship on the mend. There's been mistakes made in the past on our parts and it's taking a toll on us because we've never really completely erased the hurt/resentment/anger, we've merely suppressed them. Not very healthy, is it?

I ask X for his forgiveness and I give him mine too. I also promise not to get upset over his insensitivity because I will remind myself that it isn't intentional. I will simply let him know if he ever hurts my feelings unwittingly next time. Of course I hope that he learns not to do it again but even if he does it, I will forgive him because I know its not deliberate. People can't help it if they're stupid.

"X, if you're reading this, you know the last line is a joke right?^^"

說好的幸福呢?

2010-02-25T11:48:00.004+08:00

There's no light ahead of the tunnel after all.

2010-01-29T11:26:00.010+08:00

I feel so alone and I'm so tired. Why can't I see the light in front of the tunnel & where is that hand that was gonna lead me through this darkness?

There have been many moments of self-doubt and sometimes I feel like the pieces of the puzzle just can't fit. Perhaps that hand that was supposed to hold on to me has given up already.

Maybe it's time for me to give up as well.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Diet Alert!

2010-01-28T17:34:00.010+08:00

I think I gotta start watching my diet with all the pigging out that I do. Recently checked out 2 restaurants that were reviewed in 8 Days. Here are the pictures:

-Charly T's. I don't really think Charly T is a real person though. Located next to The Cathay cinema, the place is kinda quiet but looks abit 'atas'. I shared the whole chicken with X and was amazed that he ate more than 2 thirds of it. The chicken is tender and juicy, it really melts off the bone so it saves you the trouble of cutting through it too vigorously. As for their sides, I liked the butter garlic rice and the mac-&-cheese. *Yum*

-Ramen Santouka @ Central. This place was rated no.1 for their ramen in this week's 8 days so I had to give it a try! The Tokusen Toroniku Shio Ramen (second pic)comes with 'pork cheek' meat that's really soft but to me it was kinda pricey @ $19.50. Their noodles are pretty good, but I also recommend Miharu @ Gallery Hotel, which was ranked 3rd by 8 Days.

Ippudo Ramen has also been getting rave reviews & I've tried their pre-packaged noodles from Japan which X bought for me. What I got from cooking at home was quite tasty so I'm itching to try the ramen at their restaurant here in Mandarin Gallery. But word of the long queues has put me off for the time being. So I prefer to wait til the hype settles.

Life's a B*TCH

2010-01-23T19:38:00.004+08:00

The need for space for me has been a rising issue these days. Various problems in different forms, big or small, have been cropping up and growing up now, it seems like my mental state of mind is no longer able to turn a blind eye to things that I may have previously chosen to ignore because I thought I had no choice but to do so.

But now that I'm older but perhaps none the wiser to some, I'm beginning to ponder ways of possible escape. Some people may think that avoidance doesn't solve anything, but the way I see it - having some physical distance is better than being stifled.

I grew up in an environment that was filled with uncertainty, negativity, fear and like any other kid I thought that was a normal environment. Someone used the word 'abusive' to describe my childhood years & I vehemently disagreed. But a recent incident has made me realize that I might need to re-evaluate my opinion. That perhaps physical violence is indeed a form of abuse, no matter what the trigger was or how frequent OR infrequent it may be.

It's an uphill struggle for me to control my emotions, and specifically my anger cuz I remember watching by example from a tender age that when you're angry it's normal to scream and yell, it's normal to smash things and use force. Hell it was the only way I knew how to vent my anger and I learnt by imitating since I was a kid.

It's only in recent years that I'd finally recognize my bad temper as a problem & decided that I WANT TO CHANGE. But changing a behavioral pattern that you've cultivated for 20 over years with the help of nature & nurture is like a drug addict trying to go cold turkey. It's damn difficult but I still want to do it for myself, for who I love and also because I don't want to be anything like that destructive force that dominated my whole life since young.

I AM NOT YOU.

Reflection

2010-01-11T00:39:00.006+08:00

I've just gotten one of my dreams come true...which is to have an expresso machine of my own! Technically speaking it's not really mine, cuz X bought it for himself but he decided to put it at my place since I love coffee too. 'Anyway I can always pop by to have a cup of coffee,' he said. So despite my protests, the Nespresso machine which he bought in London now sits on a table inside my kitchen~

Although setting it up was a tad more troublesome than I thought (cuz u have to filter/clean the machine with water first n stuff), I'm loving it...hahaha. No more running down to McCafe for my caffeine fix. X & I had some fun experimenting a few different brews on the machine as well.

Can I just brag that X is simply the best? Not because he showers me with gifts or wine & dines me but because he shows his affection and love in the most implicit ways I'd previously neglected to see.

There are times when I get difficult & accuse him of not understanding me when I'm the one who made myself hard to understand.

X knows me almost inside out. Give him the menu at a restuarant & he can pick out the dishes I'll like to order. Go into a boutique/online blogshop & he can tell which outfit I like. Sometimes I tell him I feel he's emotionally distant cuz he's not a vocal person (i.e. not a big fan of 'communication') but the fact that he takes note of all these details about me shows exactly how much he cares. I haven't been fair at all, have I? Yet I always say action speaks louder than words when I've been placing so much importance on the verbal part.

I've got some soul-searching to do.

Maddening crowds, & some mad people.

2010-01-03T22:44:00.005+08:00

I'm so glad that the year-end hols r finally coming to an end. Students will go back to school, people will resume work and the streets will finally be less crowded. I was at Orchard for a movie on New Year's eve & I cannot believe the crowds as I was walking to Somerset MRT station. The new 313@Somerset mall was packing in the crowds & for the record I couldn't find the MRT station initially cuz I had no idea you had to enter the mall to get there. *rolls eyes*

I think we have no lack of shopping malls in Singapore so another shopping centre is like SO unnecessary but I did spy some interesting shops on my way to the MRT so I'll probably check the place out on a weekday where there will be some semblance of normalcy instead of those maddening crowds where u might get elbowed, or have ur foot run over by a pram.

Speaking of the MRT, my sis & I had a most unpleasant experience with a disgruntled uncle who was pissed by the fact that my sis was occupying the 'priority seat'. To our defence, I saw NOBODY, pregnant or elderly, who seemed in need of the damn seat & even if there was someone whom I might have missed, all he had to do was politely make a request for us to give up the seat. No need for those dirty looks he kept shooting at us, all the time shaking his head and muttering to himself.

I was busy chatting was my sis throughout the journey from Tampines to Bugis so I was not aware of the situation until my sis alerted me at Lavender. So I looked at him and sure enough he was glaring at us.I stood my ground by staring back at him in the eyes & demanded to know what his effing problem was & then told him to mind his own business. I told him 'If u want to sit just say la!' and he was like 'It's not me ok. You should give the seat to the lady in front of you.'

Ya right. I believe a person of my intelligence can easily discern who should need a seat & the lady he was referring to was definitely not in my 'elderly' category. So sue me if you're not happy that I'm taking up the 'priority seat'. I have no qualms giving up my seat to those in need & have done so many times, so I dun appreciate this sort of unwanted judgment. Go f**king take a cab if you have so many complaints and I say, To hell with people who have this sense of entitlement. What was he trying to prove anyway? That he's a civic & social-minded person with a sense of consideration for others? Then I repeat myself: All he had to do, was ASK NICELY.

I rest my case & I make no apologies for my behavior.

A poignant last entry for 2009

2009-12-31T21:35:00.003+08:00

It's new year's eve & whilst majority are out in celebration to welcome a new year ahead, I'm sitting in front of my computer quietly contemplating this 2009 which has frankly been quite a treacherous year.

I won't mention any of the unhappiness I went through here but in 2010 I have only one wish - to put those difficulties behind me & just be a better me. I know I've caused alot of worry, pain & grief to those who love me for which I'm ashamed. A lot of blame & accusations have came from me, & I never looked inside myself to find the actual problem that lay within my own heart. A heart that's filled with darkness, stained with pessimism, fear, worry, regret & uncertainty. It is in 2009 that I realised I'm not as strong as I thought I could be, that my fear of loss, loss of control could actually cripple me.

I confronted my fears in 2009, & the greatest challenge in 2010 is to conquer them.

As I calculate all my missteps of the year about to be past, I also realise the one thing that I did get right - Mr. X. Amidst the 'drama' of it all, I'm just so thankful that he's still here.

'There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain the tears they cry
Still you never said goodbye and now I know how far you'd go
I know I let you down but its not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything ok

I thought that I had everything I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe cause you're here with me
And if I let you down I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything ok

Cause without you I can't sleep
I'm not gonna ever ever let you leave
You're all I got
You're all I want
And without you I don't know what I'll do
I could never ever live a day without you
Here with me do you see, you're all I need

And I will be all that you want and get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I will be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing ok'

Avril Lavigne rocks!

2009-12-24T15:02:00.003+08:00

Just saw this Canon commercial on TV yesterday, featuring the ABSOLUTELY lovely Avril Lavigne!

She just looks damn fabulous!

In case you didn't know, the song is 'Innocence' & here are the lyrics:

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

This innocence is brilliant, It Makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance Please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, Don't you let it pass you by

Not a jolly good Xmas=/

2009-12-15T22:59:00.006+08:00

I'm not proud of my behavior recently & I know I dun deserve the love & understanding that my family & X has given me.

I'm really sorry I allowed the devil in me to rear its head again. I regret causing everyone worry & strain with my issues.

I resolve not to be such a B**CH ever again & I shall learn to 'control' myself.

Despite my terrible behavior, X showered me with a huge load of Xmas stash.=/ I SO DO NOT deserve it but here it is:

It's a Beauty Talk package consisting of the OxyMask, OxySolution Mousse & OxyAqua gel moisturiser plus a lot of sample size products from their new GHK-Cu range. The purple box on the left is the GHK-cu eye gel and the extreme right box is a whitening mud mask, all recommended by 'Nu ren wo zui da'. I admit that I'm quite the facial care junkie but the entire stash which amounted to over 300 bucks was too much for me & absurd as it may sound, I got pretty angry with X for spending his money on me cuz I'm simply the type of girl who prefers to be self-sufficient by earning & spending her own keep. Any gift above $50 to me is too extravagant & I know its sounds mercenary to talk about monetary value when its a present but I somehow feel like its a breach of my principles=/

Plus I dun deserve anything because I haven't been a good girl.

To assuage the imbalance I'm feeling right now, I think I better go hunt for an appropriate gift for X too.

X & I went to I-Caramel last week & I really like the place cuz the ambience is so much better than say, Starbucks or Coffee Bean. For one thing, there are no noisy students & no annoying inconsiderate people hogging seats watching programs or surfing the net with their stupid laptops! I ended up with the Ice Mocha cuz their ice-blended weren't available for some reason & also had the Strawberry shortcake. X had his usual latte with a Tiramisu.

The cakes looked really yummy!:

I have to say the cakes taste better than their drinks though, cuz I'm sorely disappointed with my Ice Mocha. It had barely a hint of mocha flavor in it & was overall rather bland. I'd still like to try their ice-blends next time anyway=)

Time to shop for last minute presents for my parents & X. I already got my sis a wallet which she's already using but I'm really stumped about what to get for my dad & X.

*sigh* I hope I get some inspiration soon.

Maybe its time to let go.

2009-12-12T17:58:00.006+08:00

You have no idea who much it hurts whenever you tell me the answer is NO.

I can literally feel my heart sinking to my stomach. I try to hold back my tears and tell myself that it's ok & I can wait but I dunno how long I can carry on pretending.

Or maybe it's time to stop pretending.

How I wish I were the girl, the normal type of girl, who can make you say 'yes'.

My 1st cycling expedition with Mr. X

2009-11-24T20:06:00.004+08:00

X and I decided to do something different on Sat, so we went cycling @ Pasir Ris Park.

We rented a tandem bike which I had not ridden in ages, and at the end of our cycling trip I told X that I'm never riding tandem with him ever again. He likes to scare me by riding too fast. *BLEAH*

Hee hee...to be honest my butt felt sore after the ride. But I had fun with X =D

So after working up an appetite with our cycling, we indulged in a muddy mud pie from Coffee Club.

*yummy!*

So basically whatever fats I burned off from cycling & yoga that day, I put it back on right away. No wonder I feel fat. Arghhh. It's seriously time for me to start jogging again.

I feel like a ticking time-bomb...

2009-11-19T18:27:00.009+08:00

I had 4 good days with X when he was back last week. We watched a total of 3 movies - 'Paranormal Activity', 'My Girlfriend is an Agent' & '2012' so it's movie review time!

First up, I have to admit that 'Paranormal Activity' spooked me. I'm not exactly a horror-fan but I decided to watch the movie just to see what the hype was all about. The movie wasn't that scary whilst I was watching it in the cinema, but it was when I got home that night that the scenes from the film started to haunt me. I was creeped out by any weird noises I heard in bed that night so I didn't get any sleep at all. Thankfully I recovered pretty soon by the next day. My verdict? 7 out of 10 on my spook-o-meter.

'My Girlfriend is an Agent' was to me, rather crappy. There were a few laughs but most of the intended funny parts fell short & just turned out lame. The pacing was a mess as well & can the Koreans pls come up with more creative movie titles next time? It's always something associated with 'my girlfriend is a _______'. (Just fill in the blanks yourself.)

2012, one of the blockbuster movies of the year, was pretty much a run-of-the-mill disaster movie. To summarize - it wasn't bad, but it definitely wasn't good either. I find it baffling that John Cusack's character was actually able to survive all the earth quakes, volcano eruptions etc...but then again I dun think I'm supposed to be looking for realism in a movie.

I also realise that due to the school hols, the theaters are more crowded and hence there are more nuisances around, for e.g. people who can't shut up during a movie. It really pisses me off when some idiots decide to have a conversation halfway through the show and think that other patrons can't hear their chatter. Do these ppl think that the cinema is a cafe or something?

I digress. I enjoyed watching those movies with X anyway cuz all I want is to spend time with him.

This is the 5th day X has been away & I admit I'm getting really impatient & highly irritable due to his constant absences. In fact I had a really stupid fight with him over skype last night & I just hate it when we're unhappy. I've been such a bi*ch & he doesn't deserve such crap from me so when he's back I'm definitely going to make it up to him=)

Just can't wait for him to come back tmr!

2009-11-10T02:13:00.003+08:00

*yippee!* X will be back today!

I never knew 10 days could feel this long, but at long last I get to spend time with X later=D

I had a peaceful but frutiful weekend - starting off with my weekly yoga session followed by a girls' nite out with Liping whom I haven't seen in a month, and ending with some major spring-cleaning on Sunday.

I acquiesced to watching 'Love Happens' with Liping cuz I didn't really have any particular movie in mind & peg me as a hardened cynic if you wish, but such sappy dramatic movies abt finding 'love' really ain't my cup of tea. Sure I believe in love, but not the movie-perfect love that's often dramatised with usually (or unusually) 2 good-looking people who ends up together after experiencing some enlightenment. In this particular movie , the enlightenment comes in the form of setting a darn parrot free. *rolls eyes*

I'm rating this movie 3 stars with Jennifer Aniston, & prob half a star less if Jen wasn't in the show. It may be a typical story, but it's watchable since the choice of good movies are pretty much limited right now. Guys, bring your date to this movie, & you may score brownie points by pretending to be the SNAG who appreciates the sappiness of it all(unless of course, your date happens to be someone like me).

When I woke up on Sun, I decided to get rid all the old bags that I've never used or stopped using. As it turns out, spring-cleaning really is good for the soul. I felt such a great sense of satisfaction after I was finished because I could finally shut the cabinet doors properly. My chair which used to hold a mountain of bags on top can finally be used for sitting haha! This 'decluttering' really felt so good. As for what I was chucking out, the Salvation Army will be coming to collect the stuff so they won't go to waste.

This will probably be my last update for awhile, since I'll be busy spending the next few days with X. But I'll be back!

*Ciao*

2009-11-06T22:57:00.002+08:00

I hate to sound like a whiner, but i miss X. ALOT=(

Houston has free internet so we've been able to skype each other for the past 2 days but there's something abt communicating & seeing each other on the cold, impersonal computer screen that makes me miss him even more.

I always feel damn sad when he has to leave or go to sleep and we have to hang up.

To make matters worse, we only have one more day of skype after this cuz he'll be off to frigging Moscow where there won't be any free internet.

THIS REALLY REALLY SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

I know this is difficult for X too, so i try not to complain as much as i did before.

Countdown to X's return: 3 more days!

2009-11-01T16:23:00.004+08:00

X was ard the past 3 days of which 2 and a half were spent with me & now he's gone AGAIN. *sigh* I used to resent the fact that he's away so often but i think i'm kinda getting past that negative feeling & now i'm more focused on having quality time together with him instead.

We went to catch 'The Hurt Locker' on Thursday. It was X's suggestion & i kinda went along with it for 2 reasons even though i'm hardly a fan of war-related movies. First, the movie received pretty good reviews & second, there wasn't any other good movies anyway. It's a gripping show, i didn't lurrrve it but i do think it's worth watching compared to movies like 'Poker King' or B-grade slasher flicks like 'Halloween'. *rolls eyes*

I had my weekly yoga class yesterday sans Mom cuz she had work so it was just me & my sis. I think it's really good to have companions for things like these cuz it gives u more motivation. I'm feeling the benefits of yoga on my own well-being & i'm definitely going to continue practising. The teacher demonstrated a series of yoga moves yesterday and it's really a display of strength+grace. I was awed by this pose:
Power! I'm going to make it my goal to be able to do this. It's called the 'crow' by the way.

Then i had an event last nite which got screwed by the rain. The alfresco dining area was empty due to the rain which kept everybody indoors so what was meant to be an outdoor event was rapidly destroyed. We spent practically the entire time just sitting ard, having some drinks and a few bites of finger food. So i guessed the rain sorta did us a favor in the end, cuz we didn't do much at all but we still get paid for it.

Countdown to X's return: 9 more days!

2009-10-27T22:23:00.002+08:00

Decision-making time.

I can...

1) Just continue with it & be happy
2) Take the 1st step out of my comfort zone & hope for something better to come out of it
3) Remove the very element that is the direct/indirect cause of this

I know nobody will have any idea what I'm actually talking abt here but I'm just putting my thoughts into writing which helps me think better.

Now that I've reviewed what I'd written - it actually becomes clear that I can just choose to go with option 1 & if that doesn't work, I should move on to option 2 and if all else fails, option 3. It's the simpliest course of action. How logical.

Hmmm. But I dun think option 1 will work for me. Instinct tells me I should just pick option 2 & STOP procrastinating. Seriously my vice is that I think way TOO much which then leads to my procrastination. Maybe New Year's resolution no. 1 should be 'thou shall not procrastinate'?

Just sent an sms to Mr. X telling him how bummed I'm feeling & he replied 'U have money & brains & a loving Mr. X :)'

Yep. That sms made me smile.

2009-10-24T20:05:00.003+08:00

Haven updated this blog in a damn long time. Too much time spent on doing other stuff, including my much-anticipated Sentosa 'staycation' with X.

I know a staycation sounds pretty dull but it isn't. We spent our time at the beach, or at the resort's pool, went for dinner and/or coffee at various spots within the island, took strolls hand-in-hand, or just lazed in bed. It was utter bliss=) X got sunburnt though, which is not MY fault cuz i didn't know he would burn so easily and HE himself forgot to apply the sunblock on his chest. It was kinda funny to see his 'lobster-red' chest afterward, but i know the burn is killing him la. Poor thing. I will never ask him to go get a tan anymore. I love him fair or tanned anyway=p

X had a whole week of leave & i'm really happy that we got to spend most of that time together. I used to be scared of letting 'love' take over me, hence creating this conflict within myself because i constantly felt the need to be 'in control'. But I've learned that 'power' & 'love' are 2 opposing forces - i need to relinquish one to gain the other. So i learnt & it's great because once i come to embrace my feelings for X completely & not worry obsessively abt 'losing control' or trying my darndest to control everything, that conflict disappears & i can finally relax. I dun have this chip on my shoulder anymore. On hindsight, i've wasted alot of time being difficult, finding fault with X & the relationship & just plain complicating things. It was just stupid but at the very least I haven't lost. I gained instead.

As part of the 'new & improved' me, I've also started taking yoga together with my mom & sister. We had our second session today & it was a total body workout. You can really feel the stretch in your muscles, the blood circulation in your body, and after that you feel really sore & tired but i'm loving it! Yoga doesn't just strengthens the body, it strengthens the mind. I'm starting to feel more 'zen' already! Somehow I find myself less agitated and annoyed at the small things that used to bother me.

For those who sneer at this & think its all 'psychological', go try it for yourself. I used to jog and skip regularly but i can guarantee that yoga is as much of a workout as any activity, and even more.

I love Mr X!

2009-10-11T21:21:00.003+08:00

My birthday came & went just like any other day, & I like not making a fuss out of things anyway. The only difference was the bombardment of sms-es from friends with their wishes & it's nice to know I'm remembered.

X spent the day with me just doing regular things - we caught 2 movies, '500 Days of Summer' followed by 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs' & both were pretty good. I'd give both a 3 and a half stars! 'Cloudy' was my 1st 3D movie too - but I kinda got dizzy from the effects afterward. I'm so not paying extra for a 3D movie next time cuz I didn't really feel that the effects were that fantastic.

On the other hand I really enjoyed '500 Days of Summer'. It was sweet, funny, sad, somewhat philosophical all at the same time. Although the one part I didn't like was the ending cuz I'm a sucker for typical 'happy endings' but I acknowledge that ending was essential in order to bring across the message behind the movie.

I think I learnt that things are nvr really within our control no matter how much we try cuz the only constant is change. Too many variables, known or unknown, comes into play and there isn't any way of predicting outcomes. I think I made that mistake of trying to control what I couldn't by trying too hard. Whilst summer may be great, there is beauty in autumn too. We just need to see by opening our eyes.

Enough of my rambling...just go watch the movie. It's really great.

X & I are going for a short 'staycation' at Sentosa next week^^ I'm really looking forward to it cuz we have not had quality time together since our HUGE fight that almost took him away from me. Now I just want to enjoy the moment - be it holding his hand, lazing on the bed, or soaking up the sun on the beach.

I just realised that I actually sound mushy in my last paragraph. HAHA!

I can't help it...I love the guy & he loves me too=p

F1 Rocks? Not exactly.

2009-09-29T11:46:00.006+08:00

I'm damn happy & relieved that F1 Singapore is finally over & I never EVER wanna work as a grid gal ever again. It may seem like an easy job to others cuz we only 'appear' for like 40mins prior to the race, but we were actually at the circuit since 9.30 in the morning working for the support races as well.

We also had to go through training to teach us how to march in formation to the pit & take our positions and we kena scolding if we screwed up during training. Plus we were roasted under the hot sun during the support races and I seriously thought my boots were gonna combust cuz it was really burning hot standing under the sun. There wasn't any form of transport to bring us from point A to B within the circuit so we had to walk in our high heels to & fro and OMG, my feet hurt so bad i wanted to cry. It really is damn bad. I have a huge blister on the sole of my right foot to prove it.

On the other hand, it is indeed exciting to see all the F1 drivers up close and it gives u this surge of adrenaline. I was holding the board with the driver's name & car number on the pit and it was for Jensen Button! I was quite happy cuz he's like currently leading the championship. Woohoo! But he didn't even glance at me or Sam when we were holding his board & flag for him=/ I guess we're like insignificant la. Whatever!

My picture's also on the official F1 website, was quite surprised & happy to see it there. Here it is:
Looks glam but its not. It's a tiring, hot, sweaty & disgusting job. I could feel beads of my perspiration trickling down my hairline and my makeup melting just standing there. But still I'm glad for this once in a lifetime experience. ONCE in a lifetime - I really wouldn't wanna do it a second time!

A few more pics coming up...will upload next time.

2009-09-23T09:58:00.002+08:00

I feel as though i've dropped off the face of Earth for the past few days. No work, no checking of email, just eat, sleep, laze & play. Only got bothered by a pesky phonecall from some idiot who refused to make his identity known even though HE was the one who called me. Duh.

It felt so good not having to worry abt anything for that few days. My family celebrated my mom's bday with a ktv session at Kbox followed by a buffet dinner. I spent another day just curling up in bed reading a mystery thriller and then another day with Mr. X. We had lunch & watched 'The Ugly Truth' which had a predictable storyline with some laughs.

But now i'm back to reality & i'm stuck. It's like i know what i want but some irrational fear & worry is just stopping me from getting there. I really need to stop procrastinating because if i don't make that 1st move, nothing's ever gonna change & i just end up making myself unhappy.

The old Mr. X would simply tell me 'I dun see what's so difficult' etc which would piss me off cuz i would think that he didn't understand. But i realised now he was just telling me as it is, insensitive as it may be. Thankfully he's been more understanding of my anxieties since we patched things up & i know it's really up to myself to do something to change/improve the situation instead of bit*hing abt it.

2009-09-14T14:21:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging for the past 2 weeks or so & then now i see that the problem of not being able to upload photos is back.

Nvm. Since i went back to work i haven't had time to upload my photos from my BKK trip as well.

I didn't really go crazy on the shopping in BKK cuz i'm really tight on wardrobe space at home. I did buy some stuff that i'd definitely wear such as tank tops & sandals, plus a few bags. Everything there cost like 100-200 baht only, which is only at most S$10. SO freaking cheappp!!! I'm definitely going back there again soon! My dad was quite sporting abt tagging along during our shopping sprees - he managed to survive 2 hrs @ Chatuchak, which is considered quite a feat haha.

Emotionally, things r shaky at best. For the curious - X & i have decided to work things out & i know alot of effort will have to come from me. No more empty promises & no more taking him for granted. Remember the scene in 'Sex & the City: The Movie' when Carrie saw Big at the end & the moment they saw each other they embraced & somehow knew that everything btwn them wld be alright? I wish i feel that way but i don't cuz life really isn't like a movie. Nonetheless i'm really willing to make things work, as i've said so umpteen times in my blog.

During my break from work i had alot of time to reflect & whilst i dun really hv a perfect answer to explain what has happened to me, I do realise that i allowed alot of my problems to accumulate which finally caused me to breakdown. The main thing i need to do now is to take care of my emotional well-being before tackling anything else. I should learn to recognise possible triggers & build up my defense against them. Thankfully the research i've read mentioned that emotional stability will improve over time & eventually most ppl grow out of such emotional problems. That kinda makes me feel positive.

I'm really thankful that i have the support of my family & friends, & i'm also glad that Mr. X hasn't given up on me either - cuz i'm not sure i would be as magnaminous if i were in his shoes.

2009-08-29T12:30:00.001+08:00

2009-08-29T11:41:00.009+08:00

Life has to go on with or without Mr. X & true to that, I did whatever i felt i ought to do yesterday. Attending my convocation, then going for a casting at the Arts House, meeting Ron for dinner & coffee & ending with a looong bout of drinks with Tuesday, Dusk & gf.

I was apprehensive abt going out for drinks at 1st, cuz i felt tired & the last thing i want was to drink til i lose my composure & start breaking down or something. But i was glad i did cuz i had fun even though i did air alot of my grievances to all of them during the night out. Thankfully i held my composure the entire night without spilling a single tear. But i'm sorry to say I broke down in front of Ron during dinner @ Crystal Jade, I must have scared the poor guy.

I've collected so much 'feedback' abt my situation these few days - everyone had their own take on what was happening but to be honest, i know nobody else will really understand what goes on in somebody else's r/s. It's my own heart & mind i need to sort out. One thing Dusk, Tuesday and I agreed was clear - I'm a completely different person pre-relationship and 'in-a-relationship'. Tuesday said I'd forgotten the 'rules' I set before I delved into this r/s with X, but it was understandable given the amt of time i'd been with him and simply bcuz women r emotional creatures. In other words, I vowed not to let my emotions overrule yet i gave my heart away.But he also acknowledged that 我是有付出的. I really did put in effort yet unfortunately people seldom recognize the good intentions behind things when the sh*t hits the fan. I guess I'm guilty of that too.

On the journey back home, Tuesday said that X is a good man & I should try to salvage the relationship. He spelled out the exact things that were on my mind. But should i take the chance & risk getting disappointed again should he close the doors on me? *sigh* I think the best option now is to let nature take its course. Love will find a way if it's meant to be.

Ok all the rambling aside, we really did hv alot of fun and here r some pictures to prove it!

Jerilyn, who's such a sweetheart. She spent alot of time listening to my grousing last night. Dusk putting on his 'skinny' face & me trying to make him look gd by making myself look like a pufferfish.

-_-'' I look pretty stoned in this one, esp since i turn red so easily.
The happy couple. I reminded Dusk to cherish the relationship. I dun want him to be like me cuz i didn't realise how lucky I was til I lost a good thing.

In my somewhat intoxicated state I'd asked jerilyn how she managed to regain her trust in Dusk after he lied to her (i'm not revealing details here. it'd be unethical) & she said there'll always be a doubt no matter what. But she manages not to question the doubts or something like that. Matters of the heart are really hard to explain. For me, i chose to let those niggling doubts fester & in the end i became filled with insecurity & paranoia cuz i'm a goddamn cynic. *sigh*

I'm truly remorseful but there's nothing i can do. I've added a new word in my dictionary for the 1st time - regret. Is there really no more hope?

2009-08-28T14:56:00.011+08:00

It's supposed to be my BIG day today, but i wasn't in much of a celebratory mood. I felt like i'm in mourning instead and no, it's not my wedding, it's my convocation.

I honestly felt like the timing couldn't be worse. I didn't feel like going anywhere at all but i know i had to go on with my life as per normal if i want to get well. I got too consumed by my relationship & totally lost myself & now i want to find myself back. Not that it means i want to put this totally behind me, i still feel very strongly abt him so that's exactly why it's crucial that i show that i'm all good again. I won't be that weepy, paranoid, psychotic bitch anymore.

Anyway back to the convocation. I still managed to survive the entire somewhat boring ordeal & amazingly, i actually look pretty nice in the gown despite my puffy eyes & dark circles.

Me with an RMIT graduate teddy bear & a bunch of flowers, courtesy of my parents.

My dad & mom. Initially i was damn sad that some ppl's boyfriends brought them flowers but thkfully my dad bought them for me too. Bah. Who needs a lousy bf anyway?

Calista & me. Yongjie said our cohort only got 3 'chiobu' - me, her + Tuesday! Haha. Me & Dusk. I hereby confer him the title of my new bf aka Best Friend! He really stood by me for the past few days when i had been a wreck. With Tuesday here who graduated with distinction. Congrats! And that's Dusk behind us who showed up in btwn on purpose.

Managed to catch Ali for a quick photo. Poor him, he was fasting so he couldn't eat anything at the buffet reception.

Dusk, Yanling and me.

With Yanling.

Group photo time!

I'm pretty amazed that i held my composure the entire day without letting my sorrow show. Only Dusk knew so only he noticed how 'stoned' i looked. Whatever. I still think i looked pretty good anyway. Perhaps that's what years of modeling trained me for - to smile & look happy even when i'm not.

Another gd news is i'll be taking a short trip to BKK next weekend. I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself and clear my head. I dunno if I would be speaking to Mr. X before the trip, but no matter what, i'm on my road to recovery.

2009-08-28T14:12:00.002+08:00

I feel calmer today, compared to the previous 48hrs of emotional upheaval. I still think of him constantly, & i even sent him an mms today showing my convocation ceremony and telling him how i wished he could be here. But of course, there was no reply. I didn't expect any in the 1st place.

Perhaps my heart has slowly grown numb to that pain of being abandoned & disappointed. I haven't spilled a single tear since i woke up today, which hopefully means i'm getting better. The medication also helped me sleep, so nightfall doesn't seem so scary or lonely.

I'm disappointed & a little angry at him. Whilst i admit i was largely at fault for many things, it doesn't however mean that he is blameless. Yet instead of facing up to his mistakes & taking responsibility, he took the easy way out and chose to leave me.

Pls do not think i'm strong so it's ok to hurt me. Everyone sees this bitchy, feisty, fierce side of me so they think i'm immune to pain. Mr. X saw for himself what a wreck i was when i was hospitalised 2 yrs ago but ironically, he's hurting me the same way now.

He called me yesterday after i sent a few sms-es to him & he said we can talk when he's back but honestly i dun want to talk if all he wants is to tell me his decision is final. I dun need another blow.

All i can say is - i still love him strongly despite all the sh*t. I will try to win him back by adopting necessary corrective action esp with regards to my temper. That's abt it. If he thinks he's done with it & will nvr accept me again, then it's his choice & honestly, his loss.

2009-08-27T13:38:00.001+08:00

给我重新爱你的机会，好吗？

2009-08-27T13:09:00.000+08:00

2009-08-27T11:29:00.002+08:00

The most important organ in the human body is the heart. The heart pumps blood to the rest of the body such as the brain. Therefore the heart is more important than the brain cuz without the heart, one cannot function properly & this is how i feel right now.

My mom was kind enough to take me out yesterday to distract me from my unhappiness. She forced me to eat something cuz i hadn't eaten anything since Tuesday afternoon so I had some soup at Soup spoon. My brain doesn't seem to register hunger anymore. We went shopping & when i got home i just threw down my bags and jumped into bed, covering myself with the blankets and then the tears that i've been holding back the whole day just streamed down my face again.

I took the medication which was prescribed to help me relax and sleep. I dunno if it was the medication or pure exhaustion, i drifted off to sleep on the sofa at abt 11pm til 7am. I didn't even bathe or eat. I dun remember if i was ever like that - cuz i recall i still had my appetite even when i was hospitalised 2 years ago. Now i dun even know what planet i'm on.

Some people might assume he's a jerk or bas***d, but he's NOT. I'm not in denial by defending him like that cuz i've been with a total a**hole before so i recognize the difference. Mr. X stuck with me through alot of hard times even when i frequently vent my anger on him for no rhyme or reason. I simply took for granted that his love & patience were infinite. It was ME who pushed him to his limit. ME ME ME. I was so blardy self-centred and i really regret my attitude now.

Maybe someone like me just ain't cut out to be in a relationship. Somehow i take things way too seriously cuz once i'm in one, i dun want the r/s to fail. To me, it's not a failed exam which u can simply retake. I'm so scared of failure that i become 钻牛角尖。Yet its definitely not an excuse for my attitude.

My heart was broken before & it took me damn long to pick up every piece & put them back together. Now i'm left to pick up the pieces once again & to be honest i dunno if i can mend my heart this time. They say what's broken can't be fixed right?

2009-08-26T05:00:00.005+08:00

I really can't fall asleep no matter how i try.

When i got my heart broken more than 2 yrs ago, i didn't even want to sleep cuz all i could concentrate on was the emotional pain & how desperately i wanted to make it all go away.

This is something extremely personal and i'm sharing it in detail for the first time. Judge me if you want, but I dun really care.

2 yrs ago:
I remember receiving that cruel sms from HIM. I remember i felt so shattered, i didn't cry but my whole body just shook involuntarily.
I remember going for a jog hoping to calm myself down at around 1.30am. Didn't work.
I remember breaking down & begging him to stay when i spoke to him over the phone. He hung up on me.
I remember feeling like i was pushed over the edge and i took 20-30 paracetamol tablets, a bottle of cough syrup and some wine.
I remember logging onto MSN, worrying my friends with my behavior but I insisted i felt fine and wanted to go and sleep.
I remember the waves of nausea that came and retching violently abt 2 hrs later.
My mom had to send me to the hospital after seeking the GP's advice.
I remember staying in hospital for a week and bawling my eyes out every few hours.
I remember calling him on the 2nd night and he canceled my call.
I dun really remember how i survived the entire year after that. I immersed myself in work, or hid at home. I cut myself occasionally to ease my emotional pain.
That period of recovery was the darkest days of my life. My memories are hazy but i think i had my gd days where i could forget my pain temporarily during work and i had my bad days where i hid in my room and cried or cut myself.

Now 2yrs+ later, this could well be an even darker period that i have to survive. Gone is the foolishness of thinking death could solve the problem no matter how tempting the idea seems. Yet i dun feel very certain that i have 'too much to live for'.

I used to hate it when night falls and i have to try n sleep cuz the quiet only made my mind more susceptible to thinking of the unhappy sh*t. Falling asleep was hard, but waking up was even harder when i would realize he's truly gone & the pain is still there. Now i just wanna drift off to sleep but every time i close my eyes, everything good & bad comes to mind and i feel my eyes getting hot with tears. I took promedyl again but its NOT WORKING. My heart is just pounding faster.

Dun ask me why i'm ruining myself this way. I guess i didn't learn my lesson 2 years back & now its the same story, but a different actor. I give my absolute ALL in a relationship & i get very consumed. I dunno if the previous exp made me more afraid but i always felt like i've no more room for failure/s, which is why i scrutinize every detail and try to anticipate (he calls it imagine) possible problems in the hopes of trying to avert them. But my cautiousness backfired. It simply turned me into an insecure, paranoid BITCH. Of course, finding out that he did have some things to hide didn't help the situation.

Perhaps both of us concentrated on making things work based on different aspects. Aspects that didn't hold equal importance to us. For e.g. he buys me alot of stuff, which he feels reflects that he thinks of me and loves me. For me that's purely material things which any person with $$ can buy. I could even buy it for myself.

I try to work on 'experimental solutions' to solve issues that cause us to quarrel. For e.g. He's not ard that often and now that i hv to work, i try to maximise our time tog by staying over at his place during the weekend though my somewhat conservative parents dun really approve. I also know that my temper is triggered by stress frequently these days, so now i always carry this balm with a scent that i feel calms me down a little. And i also took up my current job partly because i wanted to occupy myself so that i wouldn't let my imagination run wild too much. All my intentions no matter what, were for the good of our relationship and even though they didn't really work - i feel like i should be given credit for being willing to try all sorts of solutions. Yet he doesn't see the connection of me doing all this to improving our relationship.

So in the end both of us just frustrate the hell outta each other with our differences. Frustrate is probably putting it mildly cuz I think he hates me now. I really did give all i could, my heart, my soul, my entire being to this. Maybe that's where i did wrong - i gave too much and it's overwhelming. Yet when i love, i dunno how to do it in another way.

I don't think anybody can handle my type of love. It's crazy, it's tiring, it's full of drama. But nonetheless he was really good to me, in his way. As Jeff once told me, everyone speaks a different language of love. I regret things didn't work out but i'm still hoping we could reconcile our differences someday, when i've grown up more & acquire better coping skills, if it ain't too late.

To YOU - I'm really sorry even though i know apologies can't undo all the damage i've done. I love you in my way and i'm sorry that's the only way i know. Sorry for the pressure & strain the weight of my love has given you and I'm really hoping someday we can find a way around this.

2009-08-26T00:34:00.002+08:00

<为什么越相信谁能依靠
越换来又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远再不会让心绝望的解药...>

Heartbreak

2009-08-25T22:32:00.003+08:00

I still remember the last time my heart died & now it feels like i'm dying all over again.

真的好心痛。

(Memories of a happy time with Mr. X. We sampled Freddie's Burger together and then we watched 'Where got Ghost?'. We played Guitar Heroes the whole night & went back to his place together the next morning. So many memories, do they not mean a thing to you anymore?)

I'm trying to deal with the situation with a calm i dun feel, & i'm trying to stop the flood of tears that trickle down my face but its hopeless. Everything has spiralled horribly out of control & it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm trapped in a bad dream somehow.

From now on I know what it's gonna feel like cuz its all too familiar. The tears, the heartache, the knot of dread at the pit of my stomach, the denial and hoping against hope and then over time, leading to resignation. I really really dread going thru this painful ordeal again. If only there was a way to skip the tears and heartache and just be numb and resigned abt everything.

It took me abt one and 1/2 years to recover previously and I have no idea how long it'll take for the wounds to heal this time. I just feel like hiding in my room and retreating from the world completely. Yet I can't cuz i have to attend my convocation on Fri and my dad's bday dinner on Sat. I will have to be there & put a smile on my face even though my heart is breaking inside. I have to put on my 'strong front' and it sucks.

I'm really confused and in despair, I'm looking for answers that i hope will ease my pain but i know there aren't any. Is it my fault? Undoubtedly. Is it his fault? Maybe to a certain extent? Do we love each other? I believe so. But maybe sometimes love just ain't enough. Maybe things just took place at the wrong place & the wrong time. Maybe what was broken couldn't be fixed. Was it because of personality differences? So many thoughts running through my mind...but none can take away the anguish I really really feel.

I feel like a pathetic fool right now because I still have my phone next to me, with my heart wishing & hoping to hear from him. I dun even mind a nasty sms from him because it shows he still cares. In my mind I'm still trying to think of solutions to make things work when i know its a lost cause. I'm still in disbelief right now that he could make a decision so swiftly to end things without any regard for the memories we shared or the love we had. I seriously wish I could be as decisive and logical as him so that I wouldn't be suffering so much. At the same time I acknowledge all responsibility for pushing him too hard.

Whatever it is, if YOU'RE reading this, I still want to make things work no matter how tough the going is and no matter what the result might be. I can wait till you're willing to accept me when I've changed for the better. I want you to know that I've never thought of giving up EVER. But if you've really decided, then goodbye.

*Are there things that u wanted to say?Do u feel me beside u in ur bed, there beside u, where i used to lay?*

Rantings & musings

2009-08-10T16:37:00.005+08:00

Okay...I finally realised that the Blogger problem was only on my laptop, & i can't figure out why. I guess i just have to do my blogging on my home PC instead=/

First of all, HAPPY BELATED B'DAY SINGAPORE!
Although i'm not really a big fan of the NDP, i did catch some of the highlights on the news later on & the celebratory atmosphere is infectious somehow. Makes me proud to be Singaporean, & prouder still of my country. I've always known that Singapore is my home which i'll never leave no matter how colourful or exciting the huge world out there may be cuz home is where the heart is=)

Due to some events taking place this week plus the post National Day makeup holiday today, I'll only be working on Thursday & i'm super glad for some R&R this week! Gonna take the time to catch up on some sleep, as well as some reading. Got a ton of bks from the library that have been left unread for damn long, & my sis had to go renew them for me. Plus i'm gonna catch up on movies that i really wanna catch but haven due to lack of time. Not sure if 'Public Enemies' is still showing, & I wanna watch 'The Hangover' & 'Where got ghost?' too!

I went to catch 'Up' at Bishan on Sat night cuz that's Mr. X's usual haunt & for me, a chance to escape the crowds in town on a weekend. It was still blardy crowded anyway & i got into a quarrel with this disgruntled auntie who was damn KP just bcuz i took the chair from her table w/o asking at Toast Box.

Granted i should have asked whether the chair was taken anot instead of presuming it was available just bcuz her name wasn't written on it. But seriously she didn have to exclaim loudly 'that girl ah, try to take ur chair w/ asking' when the person came back from placing their order. It's seriously asking for it & i know everyone else will go 'tsk tsk' at my attitude but i don't care so i just exploded at her. That chair did not have her name on it so just get over it. It's just a f**king chair. Mr. X had to pull me away cuz he was afraid i would do some real harm to them but duh. I know the law & i won't soil my hands by going near them. Who wants to get H1N1 from a bunch of swines anyway?

"Say what u say, do what u do, feel what u feel, as long as its real.
Take what u take, give what u give, just be what u want, as long as its real."
That's just who i am.

'Up' was a really good movie & i'm glad i watched it instead of letting that unpleasant incident spoil the show for me. It was so touching & heartwarming that i cried, which is nothing surprising cuz i always cry anyway. Weird huh. I can be such a spitfire one moment, then a 'hum-bao' the next.

I know i'm a very emotional person and i express my feelings very openly. I have no intention of hiding how i feel abt anything at all and i guess this can be good or bad, depending on the situation. People have said that i'm 敢爱敢恨 and i guess they're right. Some ppl say i'm too needy when i'm in a relationship but i dun care. When i love someone i give my ALL. I've been hurt damn badly previously but still i'm like that. I will still love that person deeply without holding back & i would give my heart & soul just to make it work. But of course i only do that now if i'm sure the relationship is worth it & when my feelings r reciprocated instead of loving blindly like i used to.

Anyway Mr. X bought me some goodies from Nagoya last week.

Yippeee... Fancl's Tense-up EX collagen drink! My cousin's recommendation - she said her complexion really became more supple after drinking it!

He got me the pore essence from Fancl as well...Sam's recommendation! Apparently it really works for minimizing pores but sadly she said the results stopped after 2 mths or so. Oh well. I've been using it for the past few days & i think my pores r visibly less noticeable too.
This was a dubious gift cuz it's a teeny Hello Kitty lock & when i saw it i was like 'what do u want me to use this for?' & he said it was just a random buy cuz he knows i like the cat-without-a-mouth. keke!

I really really appreciate everything Mr. X does for me & i know i should be so lucky. It's just that i always allow my cynicism, skepticism, pessimism to override everytime. *sigh* I know that alot of changes/improvements on this relationship will have to come from me & how willing I am to put the past aside & focus on building a better future & I WILL OK. It's not 'I'll TRY'. It's I WILL!!!

$@%#^*

2009-08-06T14:00:00.000+08:00

What the hell. I really dunno if it's just me, or if Blogger really has this stupid problem that prevents ppl from uploading photos. Kinda regretting switching over from wordpress now=/

Random updates

2009-08-04T14:03:00.002+08:00

Arghhhh!

It seems like there's a recurring problem on Blogger these days that hinders users from uploading any photos/ videos & its pretty damn annoying.

Anyway I'm blogging now to get away from work just for a lil while;P

I must say that even I'm impressed with myself for adapting to a daily 9-5 routine pretty quickly, except for the 1st wk where i felt cranky due to lack of sleep. Perhaps when you find something that you like doing, its not that bad after all cuz the feeling of fulfillment outweighs most of the cons.

Admittedly modeling for events pays well but to be honest it never really felt great cuz there wasn't any sense of achievement at all. So what if u try your best to do a good job of posing for photos with the product or explaining all the specs to the customers? Does it really matter after the event is over? Plus its a toxic & superficial industry that really poisons your mind sometimes=/

I used to like modeling but i guess i'm getting old and i want something more. Whilst my current job might not be super-duper-fantastic, i'm pretty contented at the moment & i can't wait for the newsletter to be published so that i can see MY articles on an actual publication! Haha.

Plus my boss has mentioned negotiating a full-time package with me, but no exact details yet so i'm just gonna keep my fingers crossed!

I love Guitar Hero!

2009-07-30T10:52:00.007+08:00

Whatever problem Blogger had previously has been fixed & i can finally upload some pics!

First of all, I'm so thrilled that my bro bought this...

Yay!!! The Guitar Hero World Tour!!! Wahaha...so much fun except now we have a total of 3 guitar-_-" Anyone who wants to buy an extra guitar just lemme know!

And this is my beloved brother attempting his first play after setting it up. We dun exactly come from a musically-talented gene pool, but i must say i'm pretty much the lousiest player=p

Weekend is coming! *yay*

Updates on my 1st wk of work

2009-07-26T22:45:00.000+08:00

Haven really been blogging of late cuz my work has already left me quite brain-dead sometimes=/ That's not to say that i dun enjoy what i'm doing now. I do, just that now i know serious writing can be tedious and exhausting. It's like u have to write & rewrite sentences over & over again. U have to edit and re-edit. You have to choose the right words carefully. It's really different from blogging cuz over here i write whatever i pls & i dun have to care abt overusing adjectives or misspelling certain words! Hahaha.

For the uninitiated, I contribute articles for an aviation industry newsletter & i write about not just the happenings in the aerospace industry, but also some technical stuff like the mechanics of designing an aircraft lavatory. I have to read through alot of technical specs & just trying to understand them is a major challenge cuz its not like i have a degree in aerospace engineering=/ My degree is in mass comm k. But i'm enjoying the opportunity to learn & hone my writing skills. Hard news & such factual writing ain't my forte cuz i really do prefer soft news i.e. lifestyle writing but i guess i have to learn to be more versatile. Anyway i've received comments that 'oh sounds like a relax job' & all i have to say is 'PISS OFF!' Let me see you write an article first before you make such vacuous statements. Duh.

I must say that adjusting to working life really ain't easy. The normal day-to-day routine I can cope with, but come weekend i just feel really tired. When i'm tired i get real cranky & poor Mr. X has to bear the brunt of my anger which led us to an unnecessary fight yesterday. *sigh* He apologized for being not understanding enough but i acknowledged that i was at fault for taking things out on him too.

In a relationship, no 100% fault lies in one party and u know how some couples break up when they've got problems/issues? I always believe that breaking up doesn't solve the problem - it merely cuts out 50% of the problem & the other 50% is still with you. Think about it:)

Enough rambling. Goodnite!

Very Very Random!

2009-07-17T00:39:00.003+08:00

Time for my random musings & a word of warning - this will be a very self-centered entry. (Notice almost every sentence starts with 'I' haha=p)

I've had this feeling of dissatisfaction since one or two months ago and that feeling has continued to badger & stress me out.

It's a feeling that i'm missing something in my life: PURPOSE.

I've a great loving family, albeit a little volatile. (My fight with my parents & leaving home in a fit of anger is one gd example.)

I have my wonderful Mr. X, who's simply wonderful to me. (Ahem! The usually feisty me has a tender side too!)

I've been able to use my looks to get jobs & earn easy $$ through modeling. Sounds like i'm bragging but i'm NOT.

I recognize really, just how blessed I am compared to many others who may not be as lucky. I've always believed that the key to happiness is knowing one word: contentment.

I've been restless & discontent recently because i'm really pondering over the direction i want for my life & what i truly want to do & because of my overly-analytical mind which likes to imagine every possible scenario, dissect every detail, & imagine the worst, i haven't been in the best of moods.

But u know what? Life throws u a curve ball every now & then - u just have to try & catch it. I honestly believe that there r ppl out there living their lives aimlessly & it's gonna take TIME to figure out something as impt as one's purpose, goals & direction etc. I'm just gonna take the path less traveled, explore & experiment cuz after all we only have one life=D

All that philosophy aside, I'll be starting work this coming Monday & i'm really excited. Excited & just a little anxious. Can't reveal much yet ~ but i do think i'm gonna benefit & learn a great deal from this experience, even if it might just be a short term commitment. The plus-es are: convenient location near my place, flexible hrs & a nice boss (*fingers crossed), & i get to put my writing skills to use! Lotsa tedious reading to do on subjects that could bore me (what would i know abt aviation?!) but i'm just gonna roll with it!

Other random things i thought abt today:
*I love playing 'Spot the Difference' on Facebook with my mom~2 pairs of eyes r better than 1!
*I love printed dresses so i bought 2 today
*Swensen's 1-for1 lunch is value for money, though the food is so-so
*Men should not wear white pants or white blazers, unless they're F4
*Do not 'suck face' or 'la ji'(hokkien)in a public place like Toy R' Us, esp sec school kids.It's disgusting & there r children ard ok!
*I really miss Mr.X & i can't wait to see him tmr!
*I think i've lost weight. My appetite seems to hv shrunk & i get stomach upsets frequently these days. Lousy digestive system!
*The 1st person i called to inform abt my new 'job' was Dusk.

Ok i think i shall stop blabbering on. Time for bed so goodnitezzzzzzzzz!

My life sucks

2009-07-08T20:20:00.006+08:00

I dunno why, but i'm in a bad mood today.

Not bad as in the 'snap-at-people', angry, annoyed mood, but the depressed & generally feeling down kinda mood=/

I feel like crying for no gd reason, i just wanna hide in bed & i dun hv any appetite today.

Strange. I guess its PMS=(

I went to color my hair cuz i wanted to distract myself but that obviously didn't work cuz i'm still feeling crappy.

My previous colored hair, which is a fairly light brown.
A very unglam picture of me while they dyed my hair...
Tadah! I'm back to black. Though i'm not used to it after coloring my hair light brown for so many yrs.

*My life sucks.*

Summer fiesta!

2009-07-04T16:37:00.007+08:00

Hey folks,

Grab a snazzy bikini for summer season @ the beach!

Iphone 3G 16GB for SALE!

2009-07-04T00:58:00.003+08:00

Just helping out a fren who's selling off his iphone!

It's a local set, 16 GB. It's practically brand new (cuz they exchanged a new set for him a few months back when his old one had some problems) & it comes with the original cable, earpiece & a free back-cover as well. Looking to sell @ around $750 but price negotiable.So anyone who's interested, my tagboard is open!

CommunicAsia 2009

2009-06-23T17:23:00.007+08:00

Have been slacking the past few days ever since end of CommunicAsia. I didn't really bother taking any pictures this yr as its getting kinda routine each yr.

Group photo time! The pic was taken on the last day after the exhibition had closed so everyone was in fact dying to get changed & go home!

And if u look at how glossy & reflective the floor is, then u know how blardy obvious ppl can look up our skirts just by looking at the floor-_-'' Damn irritating.

Me & sam taking a break in the warm outdoors, away from the freezing aircon inside the hall. Thanks to her friend who helped us take the photo...though i alr forgot his name...*pai seh*

Just some back-dated photos from a private launch i was working for end of last month. Courtesy of Lianie~who posted these on FB too^^

Me & Lianie

Lianie is seriously damn gd at making farnee faces. Just look at her! As for me i just suck at it. Har har.Group photo

Gd movie+food = Gd day!

2009-06-23T00:26:00.002+08:00

I really want to blog but i'm just so tired. *YAWNS*

Quick one. Watched 'Taking of Pelham 123' today & it was pretty good. But somehow i think i kinda expected a teeny weeny bit more from the movie just bcuz i've been reading such rave reviews abt it. One really memorable scene from the show? That would be the part when Walter Garber (*Denzel Washington) was forced to make an open confession abt taking a bribe. I literally had tears in my eyes cuz i felt so sorry for the poor man who had to put aside integrity for the sake of his daughters' future. For those who have no idea what i'm talking abt, just go watch the show alr!

I know everyone's probably gonna catch 'Transformers' later this week but i'm watching 'I love u, Man' next cuz its another movie that's received pretty good reviews. Not kidding, its got better ratings than 'Pelham 123'! 'Transformers' can wait cuz i dun like watching the show during its opening week with all the crowd & all anyway-_-"

Also managed to satisfy the carnivorous side of me with steak for lunch @ Astons this afternoon. The steak is damn shiok! And the price damn cheap! Wahaha. The auntie-waitress kept asking me to order the Xtra cut for Mr. X & insisted that it was value for $ & more filling cuz its 70grams more so in the end i was like ok lor. It's just $2.60 more anyway and i agree that the Xtra cut is noticeably bigger & thicker in size so it was well worth it. I've decided that i'll order it the next time if i happen to be VERY hungry. Then when we left the place the same auntie even asked me if Mr. X had finished the steak... kinda funny cuz i guess she just wanted to prove herself right that the bigger cut would be more filling cuz guys apparently eat more.

That abt sums up the highlights of my day. I know. Boring huh. But that's how i like my life.

Bedtime now! Over & out.

No more excess baggage!

2009-06-15T22:05:00.005+08:00

Just dropping a quick note here since i need to get some early rest for CommunicAsia which starts tmr!!!

The exclamation marks !!! do NOT indicate excitement but rather dread of the next 4 days of 'suffering' to come=/

Freezing my arse off inside the exhibition hall? Check.

8 hours of standing in high heels? Check.

I just need to survive 4 days. Just 4 days. *positive energy*

On a totally random note,

My mid-yr resolutions
-get more exercise!
-control my friggin temper
-be less negative & cynical
-learn to give ppl the benefit of the doubt
-stop walking ard with a blardy chip on my shoulder*

From this list it's pretty obvious that the changes i hope to achieve pertains more to the emotional & psychological than the physical aspects.

I dun really know what. how. when. During a moment of reflection I just realised what a pain i was for the past year with my negativity, cynicism & pessimism towards everything in life. Yet i thought i had learned to let go of past mistakes & moved on when all along i had trapped myself under this dark cloud, unable to trust and regarding those close to me with a suspicious eye.

I'm tired of victimizing myself & making others pay the dues for my previous mistakes. If i continue living like this i dun think i can ever be a happy person. Even worse i'm allowing myself to continue being a victim.

I dun want to be a pathetic victim anymore. I've made mistakes but i paid my dues. I AM MOVING ON TO FIND MY OWN HAPPINESS! Goodbye to u & all ur lies that have held me back. They're not holding me back anymore. Phew.

*It feels much lighter when u let go of all that excess baggage*

A long ranting entry

2009-06-13T16:08:00.002+08:00

I hate working for a**holes.

I walked out on a roadshow after an argument with the so-called 'coordinator' last Sunday & believe me, i did everything with good reason.

I have never ever, in my 4 years of doing events, met a more irresponsible, unreliable cocky piece of sh*t who dares call himself an agent/coordinator who manages talents.

Sms him to confirm the reporting time? NO ANSWER.
Gives inaccurate & misleading information abt the jobscope? Hell yeah.
Defends his own tardiness with totally irrelevant statements? Har har.

EXAMPLE: when i told him that he had given us wrong info abt the job (since we were told it was ushering but in the end we were made to walk ard & approach ppl & give out fliers), he responded sarcastically by saying, 'oh so i shd hv hired flier girls for $7/hr issit?'. NEWSFLASH: The issue here isn't abt what kind of girls u hire for how much ok. U gave a totally inaccurate description of the job we had to do & misled us so dun bullsh*t me & try to defend what was ur fault with irrelevant comments.

EXAMPLE no. 2: I was supposed to work Fri, Sun & Tues but come Sat night by 3am, the idiot still did not bother to update everyone on the reporting time for Sunday's rdshow. Talk abt irresponsibility. I had to call him twice @ 3am before he actually picked up & gave me a confirmation on the timing.

Then during work on Sun, all the girls tried to give out fliers (we wanted to be helpful & help create awareness by giving out their fliers) but we were told not to give out anything at all. The idea apparently, was to approach ppl w/o having anything in our hands cuz "the girls from yesterday had great success with this method". WOW. So i said, 'if they had such success then y aren't the same girls here today?'

Admittedly i could hv been more tactful in raising my opinion but i honestly didn't have any more patience to deal with all these f**king idiocy. All these so-called ideas on how we should do things when we were supposed to be doing ushering. Maybe u ppl need to check the Oxford dictionary on the definition of 'ushering' 1st before u tell us what to do.

In the end i ended up in an argument bcuz the client wasn't happy with my 'attitude' & my coordinator started talking to me abt 'professionalism'. Har har. I simply told him he's the one who's not doing his job in the 1st place & if the client is not happy, i'm more than willing to leave. And as expected he defended himself by telling me 'i have plenty of girls who will want to work for this'. Fine. U know what? I know there r plenty of girls who r willing to work but i'm not willing to put up with ur sh*t for that kind of $$ - which isn't even alot in the 1st place. He had the cheek to tell me that the reason he put me on this job was bcuz i called him @ 3am twice so I feel the need to clarify that i am not badgering u for the job. It was agreed that i would be working Fri, Sun & Tues so i had to seek a confirmation abt what time i would be needed. I dun wanna presume that i wasn't needed just bcuz i didn't get ur sms & then risk having u accuse me of flying ur aeroplane if i didn't turn up on Sun. Get that into ur thick head a**hole!

Amanda Swa doesn't take sh*t from anyone.

Same shit, Different Day

2009-06-08T10:37:00.003+08:00

Was talking to a fren last nite & he said..'i guess i'm looking for someone who can tahan my shit'. I laughed & told him that everyone's looking for someone like that.

But he said 'No. Some ppl need others to tahan their shit, some ppl r those who clean up other ppl's shit'. I thought 'hey that's actually kinda true'.

So i guess what i'm saying is - i'm the kind who needs somebody who can take my shit.

"I told u before i won't give up unless u give up on me 1st. Since u've chosen to give up, I won't fight ur decision anymore. I can only blame myself for not having better coping mechanisms & not trying harder."

Screw everything

2009-06-06T20:48:00.003+08:00

I feel like i've just been slapped.

MY fault for thinking that i could make things work when i obviously do not have what it takes to handle things.

STRESS. WORRY. INSECURITY. HEARTACHE.

I just wanna get away from it all.

The Swa Family Taipei Holiday^^

2009-06-03T15:08:00.022+08:00

The Swa Family Taipei Holiday

On the plane on our way^^:

My dad & bros...dun ask me y my dad looks so unhappy in this pic haha

...3 of us camwhoring during the flight...

Loved the view...i couldn't resist snapping a shot cuz it was so beautiful!

Our home for the next 7 days - Paradise hotel. More like hell actually cuz the lobby was damn noisy & i would get awakened by the noisy EVERY morning.

Shopping @ Taipei 101 & NYNYTaipei 101, tallest building in the world. Unfortunately this is the best shot i could get of it from ground level outside har har.My very 1st buy! Yay!!!Lunch @ the food court. Their food taste amazingly gd compared to what we get in Singapore food-courts & my fried rice was yummy~~

Dan Shui Fishermen's Wharf:

Great view of the sea but weather was very hot. Hence i was pretty much not in a very gd mood that day=/The infamous 'Stinky Beancurd'. This stall's version was not quite as pungent as some others...but it still tasted like poop. LITERALLY. no offense!

Family pic w/o me cuz i was the unofficial photographer. All posing with a bowl of delicious Ah Zong Mee Sua. Yum!Famous 'Ah Zong Mee Sua'!

Rao He Night Market:

Our dinner @ the night market. Lamb in herbal soup, Fried oyster egg & some dry noodles. Doesn't look like much but the food was pretty tasty & cheap.Red Bean on ice. *slurps!*
& finally...Home sweet home! Plane rides r such a bitch=/

Quick update~

2009-05-28T12:37:00.005+08:00

I know i haven't been blogging at all for like the past 2 weeks BUT i've been sick, busy & tired. First i was sick - had a cold (still having the sniffles actually), then there's work - private event for Dunhill, which is damn tiring cuz there's no break or food at all (WTH!) & so now i'm just super tired. Last day of the event later & i just wanna get it over & done with so i can get abit more rested over this weekend.
I've just loaded the pics of my Taipei family trip onto the comp & i still need to edit them before uploading. Sianz. Photos will have to wait but i realised not alot of photos were taken during this trip & to be honest - the trip wasn't totally enjoyable as well. Somehow going with ur family just aint as much fun i guess, esp mine cuz we had such a big grp (6 of us) & we all wanted to see & do different things=/ I kinda feel like i need a trip of my own. Who would i go with? Where would i go? I dunno. *sigh*
Any helpful suggestion? These r my key considerations:

*Not too expensive (so Europe/Japan r out)
*Can be a R&R place but preferably with some shopping for me to do
*Nearby destinations r preferred
*Safe & clean

I've friends who suggested Bintan but it looked boring when i Googled it. It didn't look like it had any shopping, and those water activities r definitely out for me cuz water is not my element. I can't swim & i basically freak out if i'm like on the sea or something. So if there's anyone with any other suggestions pls let me know!

Random

2009-05-18T12:38:00.005+08:00

Been back for a couple days from my Taipei trip...but i've been lazy. Pics coming soon i promise! Meanwhile enjoy Jolin's new song <妥协>.

Observe the lyrics~very sad but meaningful. This song goes out to someone i once knew & loved but if i ever see him again, i'll go the other way & pretend i didn't see him.

I'm not bitching, i'm whining.

2009-04-29T22:24:00.003+08:00

My head hurts...

I've been having a headache at around this time for the past few days...

What's wrong with me???

Can't help but feel this has been a gawddawwwful year for me, & we're not even halfway thru 2009 yet.

I've got a whole assortment of paracetamol, ponstan, various antibiotics - thanks to all the doctors who've charged me an exorbitant sum for the meds=/

My mom even made me take a flu vaccine, partly due to the swine flu (as if it helps!) & partly cuz she insists i need it cuz of my weak immune system.

I need my holiday. Countdown: 10 days!

Where is my sunshine?!

2009-04-24T12:51:00.002+08:00

Life seems depressing these days.

I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights cuz I keep getting these irrational dreams & when I finally drift back to sleep after being jolted awake by one stupid dream, my subconscious starts running wild again.Sometimes I get like 3 different dreams that totally doesn't make any sense at all.

*sigh*

Perhaps my brain is just too active sometimes.

One thing I'm looking forward to: a holiday in 2 weeks time. Finally.

Take me away

2009-04-22T22:16:00.003+08:00

How i wish u could take me away with u.

I dun wanna be left behind. I dun wanna be left waiting.

Everytime u go i get so scared.

I dunno if u'll come back.